The Journal of Greg Rodriguez
2001-12-08 09:56:56 (UTC)

December 8, 2001 4:38 AM

Dear Journal,

Total life-altering shit has happened since last night.
Let me see if writing it down will help me sort it out at
all. So I was chillin' with Kayla and Julie, and we got to
talking about how fucked up we are, and I started really
sinking into a despair. Like deeply. The type of shit that
I used to go through when I was younger. I felt panic and
confusion overtake me like a wave of ... bad stuff. All the
angst that I have seemed to overtake me. I was in my room,
and I finally took a step. I looked up stuff on the net
about bisexuality and stuff. And lord did I find answers.
The answers I wanted and needed. I know that I am bi.
That's finally etched in stone. But, of course, me being
the panicky person I am, just couldn't shake the bad
feelings. I looked at the situation from all the angles I
could. I just couldn't shake it. And that's where I am now.

Even though the doubt is still lingering, I believe it
will pass. I just need to do stuff. Take my mind off all
that shit. I did okay tonight. But now I find myself
questioning more. More on why I act the way I do. I feel
like I need to start being more honest with the people
around me. I don't know whether or not that will help, but
slowly, I want to try. Writing this stuff down is not easy,
but I always feel better when I do. I also don't want to
analyze everything I do. I want to do what I want to do,
and not worry about about WHY. I just want to be. I want to
be able to be attracted to someone, and not question
whether it's real or not. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe
what matters is that I do feel. I mean, I can look at a
girl, and think she's totally hot. But even now, I wonder
if those feelings are valid. f Ilook at an attractive guy,
and I'll be attracted to him. It feels different. Is it
supposed to? All the stuff that I read says that it's
different for everyone. I find that if I just not worry
about forcing myself to feel and not feel, then all my
attractions just flow. That's the way it should be. I can't
force myself into a particular way of being. I have to do
what's right for me, and not question it.

Would it be better if I expressed the feelings I have
about guys? Maybe the uncertainity would go away if I
didn't keep my feelings to myself. I never had a problem
with doing that, but maybe it's time for a change. If I do,
it's gonna be a gradual thing. I'll work on it. There's a
lot of maybe's. I think the best thing for me to do is to
let whatever happens just happen. Just go with the flow.
Alright, I put alot of that on the table. I feel sort of
better. Later.