Borrowed Light
2001-12-08 05:13:17 (UTC)

emotional blackmail

the first thing i have to admit here is i am very easily
emotionally blackmailed. last night for example, all temon
had to do was turn on the waterworks and i fell for it, he
at least admitted he is a crappy leader, but why did i
feel sorry for him? when he asked some of us to go into the
back room and get prayed for etc etc, i went but only
because i felt bad and i figured i should and maybe even
felt pressured to... i mean with riot this week and all,
belinda is thinking im all great and stuff... i dont know.
im just a big fake. its so easy to pretend to be the
perfect christian girl. follow the rules, pray when they
ask you to, preach until your blue in the face, and assure
others when they have doubts. thats pretty much what i do
in youth group... the younger girls are looking up to me,
especially emma and she has all the faith i wish i had to.
its just that i cant be fully sucked into it, unlike anyone
who is (or ever has been)a christian i just cant believe it
all. i watched some clip of a disney flick (prince of egypt
i think) and it was the part where moses parted the sea,
that kinda shit, im just like "yeah right" i just cant
fathom it, and i know thats when it all coems down to
faith, and i have found i dont really have that much. i can
force myself to believe and show up and help others, and
yeah being there and talking to other people who are such
strong believers helps sometimes. i get to feel a bit of
what they feel steal a bit of thier hope, but then i get
home and all i feel is emptiness, i dont feel fulfilled by
god at all. i have had my moments of 100% belief and have
asked him to fulfill me but he still doesnt, i do all the
right stuff by him and i know that if i tell myslef enough
he is real i can make myself believe it, i know that if i
hang around the right people long enough and long for
exceptance enough i will believe it... im not like corey
with this, i know that he knows there is a god and he just
doesnt want to follow him. i dont know he is there, but i
want to feel what everyone else does. that inner
happiness... i have hot and cold with this, one day im all
for god, and the next day im back to questioning but yet
each week im still there being the good little drone girl.
my life doesnt reflect my mood and therefore i have all
this pressure placed upon me that im not even free to have
doubts because i dont want to be looked down on... last
night when temon asked us to shout out "jesus you are the
reason that i live" i didnt feel deep down that jesus is
the reason that i live, i felt uho everyones listening and
if i dont say it they will all know i didnt and especially
after this week i should. its funny how the only people
that found there way up into the back room with me were the
impressionable young ones hey? the ones that probably felt
really sorry for temon because he turned on the water works
and soemhow made him being a bad leader our fault
because "we need to be real christians" the irony is that
none of them will change after that night and it will just
be another one of temons failed tactics to make everyone
how he wants them to be. we are teenagers and if you hammer
it into us enough we will most likely believe anything you
say, its an emotional rollercoaster ride for us all and i
think everyone wants some reassurance that someone always
loevs them... im just sick to death of it, it would be
different if i could just find that little mustard seed of
faith but right now i cant. god if your real make me
believe because i want to... i just cant seem to..

anyway just had to get that out.

corey is getting an industrial piercing (just to sound
technical) done on monday and i think it will look pretty
sick. i dont know if ive told all you guys but my dad has
agreed to pay for me to get my bellie button done for
christmas, but since its not very creative anymore i didnt
know if i wanted it... alas i have found a great
alternative that he has agreed to, yay! check it out
im liking it alot and i will probably get it done in about
a week, which means corey you will have to come ring
shopping with me ok? well catch ya's later...

im staying at beth and amy's tonight for a girlie
(christian) sleepover, i dont want you to get the wrong
idea from this, im still as christian as ive always been i
just dont have any faith in our religion, its the same as
its always been, but yeah i want it... anyway truth be told
im kinda only going to the sleepover because i feel like
pizza :) oh well


-It's the so-called normal guys who always let you down.
Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed. - batman

-Define irony. A bunch of guys dancing around on a plane to
a song made famous by a band who died in a plane crash. -

-Well Sinead o'rebellion, shock me shock me shock me with
that deviant behavior - empire records

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