Death Becomes Us
Alright already! I'm sick. I'm dying. Okay not really but I
feel like I am. Where shall we start?
Well first of all my good friend & the guitar player for
the band I was in, Trent, commited suicide. Yeah, Mike told
me. He expected me to go to the funeral. But that will not
be happening anytime soon. I haven't recieved my part of
the suicide note yet. I heard it was deep. I'm rather
afraid to read it. It hurts. He killed himself on Monday
night or Tuesday morning. They aren't sure yet. You know
this sucks in a way. I mean I'm happy for him because he no
longer has to stay here on earth but I will miss him. He
was always so nice to me. He was funny & handsome. He was
also so down to earth. We all knew he was depressed, but I
guess there was really nothing I could have done. Why did
he leave me though? Did he not think about how it might
hurt me? We both talked about it before, I just always
thought I would be the first to say good bye. I am pretty
numb about the whole situation. It's hard when I have tried
the same thing. His mom was really upset when I talked to
her. Joe I heard didn't go to the funeral either. I also
heard he broke down & has stayed in his room for days. We
always thought Joe was kinda the tough one. Him & Trent
were also pretty close. Even though they had that argument
about me going out with Joe once. Again, that's a longer
different story. Man, I'm going to miss Trent alot. Mike
wants me to go down there, I just don't think I can. I
don't know. I just wish he would have talked to me before
he made a permanent decision about his life that would
affect me. How could he just leave me? Like nothing.
After only 2 weeks & 4 days, Aaron broke up with me. Yes,
the one who told me I had nothing to worry about or be
afraid of. That everything was going to be okay. That I
could be open with him. That I shouldn't run away from him
like I did to all the others. I never cheated on him, I
never even looked at another guy in a sexual way. I swear.
Everyone I know, knows that I only wanted the best for him.
He knows that. I hope, well he should. They know that I
never would have done anything purposely to hurt him. I
mean I know, shit happens, what can you do? Right? Well, I
never thought that it would have come to an end like this.
I know things were weird between us but I thought it was
just a phase for both of us I guess. Honestly though, as
pathetic as this may make me sound, I really miss him. He's
just gone now. Gone in but a few words. No one have ever
broken up with me before so it's weird. Well he broke up
with me Sunday night & I was unable to go to school. I just
didn't want to have to look at all those people who knew.
It hurt me you know. I thought if anything we would at
least have lasted a month. It seems though like I suddenly
became the bad person in the relationship. Which I even
know that it is not true. I just wanted to make him happy.
I wanted him to always be okay. I only wanted the best for
him & I obviously wasn't. He said things were weird & it
just didn't feel right. After he told me about his past.
After I told him that I loved him but wasn't in love with
him. He knew what he was getting into with me. I told him.
I just hope that he is happy now. I miss him. I miss the
time we spent together when we had the chance. I miss
sneaking on the phone late at night. I miss that day at the
mall. Our wow conversations. I miss him & everything about
him. The way he would weigh CD's with his hands. HOw he
knew almost everything about music & movies. He was so
perfect. I wish the world could see what a truly great guy
he was. I tried so hard. I don't know what I did wrong. It
had to be something. I feel almost empty. Now I realize I
have nothing to lose. I can do whatever I want. I can die
now. But there is just one thing holding me back. I need to
know why. He said he couldn't figure out really why. He
said he would tell me but he also said he would never hurt
me. I know he didn't mean to intentionally hurt me but he
said things would be fine. Now I'm fine. I wish people
could understand how I really feel. I wish he knew how much
he really meant to me. Of course I will never tell him
because I know that we really can't talk anymore. Let alone
can I tell him how I feel anymore. He also said there
wasn't another chance of us. It's rather disapointing. I
really thought this was going to be different. The only
emotional difference is that this time I actually cared
about him. I actually thought I could really love him. I
miss him. Umm...yeah. Wow. If he only knew how I really
felt. Maybe things would be different. I don't know
anything anymore. All I know is that I thought wrong. I
hope that the next girl understands how really great he is,
how amazing he is, & how much she'll miss him if she lost
him. I hope she treats him well too. If not I might have to
kill her. J/K. I'll just torture her. He deserves to be
loved, he desrves the best. I miss Aaron.
Well that's all for now. I have to go. Love you all.