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2001-12-08 00:10:46 (UTC)


Well there are some very nice tall tales going around the
school about me and Jess. There are tales that we are
lesbiens together, that I am leaving the province with her,
and that I dumped Brad for her. The dumb thing is that
everyone is believing it. Except for my friends. Poor Jess
is loosing her friends over a lot of bullshit with me.
Because of me she has lost Tine as a friend and Leah got
mad at Jess because of the rumors. Jess has literally been
babysitting me lately. I spend every waking moment with
her. She spent last Thursday here, I spent Friday at her
house, Saturday we didn't stay either place then last
Sunday she stayed here also. Then she stayed this Wednesday
over here, I stayed Thursday night there and then tonight
she will probably end up here again. She won't leave me
alone (which is a good thing) because she is scared that
maybe, just maybe I might do something to myself. There are
times when I am glad that she is around because I scare
myself with some of the things that I think and feel.
Tonight me and Brad will probably have sex. Dont really
know if I want to, but I don't know if I don't want to. I
feel bad because not only is my choice affecting me, it is
also effecting him. Today Jess, Brad and me went to the
Roadrunner. Brad was sitting by the wall and Jess sat down
beside him. He put his arm around her and they both could
all of a sudden see the icy jealousy in my eyes. I don't
know what to do. I mean I am really starting to think that
Brad likes her a hell of a lot more then he likes me. He
sits there and at times he tells me he loves me, but I just
dont believe him anymore. Then when he starts putting his
arm around her...that really does not help me to believe
him. I just don't have the guts to say anything like that
to him. He sits there and tells me about how he would be so
hurt if I ever cheated on him (I told him about Christine
but he didn't believe me) then he will tell me that he
would never cheat on me. He pulls the little polite,
inocent school boy routine on me telling me all of the
things he thinks I want to hear. I don't believe him
anymore because I know he is not who he says he is. When I
first liked him he was the type of guy who loved to cuddle
with me, love to whisper little things in my ear, leave me
notes that said he loved me. When I started to fall in love
with him, I was confused but he was always able to reasure
me that he truely did love me. He would get upset if I
didn't hang around him all the time, but he would never get
jealous and he understood the important things in my life.
Now he is a big druggie, he pretty much just wants to make
me horny so I fuck him, he ditches me on our one month to
go and shoot videos of Ryan falling out of a shopping cart,
and he gets jealous over everyone and everything. He is not
the same guy I fell in love with, but the problem is that I
still love him. You are supposed to love someone for the
good and bad qualities that they poses; even if he is an
ass, to me, do I still love him the same way? I don't know
anymore because I don't even know if he loves me. Then he
also makes these little jokes about he is going to smack me
if I don't behave and shit. I know he is only joking and I
know he never would do that, but it bugs me so badly
because I just want to cry. I lived over a year with that
shit in my life and I swore to myself that I would never
end up like my mom. I know he only jokes about it, but Joe
started with joking too. I never want to end up like my
mom. I don't want to end up like anyone I know, but I do
want to live my life. I want to see who and what I become,
even if it is the little person in the back of the office
stapling papers together all day. Ask me again tomorrow and
I will probably say I want to die. That is a downside to my
depression. People never know when to believe me or not
because my story changes min by min, day by day. Well off
to bed at 4:05 in the afternoon
I didn't quit smoking...almost but not quite

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