Christine

Visions Of Life
2001-12-07 23:08:38 (UTC)

Why Is None Of This Real????

In the past week I have found myself doubting if what I
think, see and feel is real.. I can no longer control my
mind but yet, I am in control.. More control then I could
even imagine.. But yet I think it is all in my head..

Weird And Annoying Physical Factors:

1- Migraines.. yuck.. 10-12 hour headaches that stop on
days when this "fantasy world" seems stronger..
coincidence.. probally but it is quite annoying

2-Insomnia- I barely sleep.. cant sleep.. either because Im
restless, scared or constantly interupted by the presence
of nothing..

3-Blackouts/Trances- I have times throughout the day where
i black out. I am awake but cant remember exacally what
happened.. These trances are actually a fun thing because I
feel refreshed afterwards but they suck because I am aware
but cant make my mind move

Those are the main 3 that are bothering me.. of course i
have weird lacerations, pounding heart and strange feelings
but i can deal with those..


Anyways.. back to my madness.. I feel like Im living in a
fantasy realm because nothing makes sence anymore.. The
things I feel cant be true.. The heavyness.. the light
headedness... the fear.. the falling.. the warmth...the
pure animalistic lust.. Nothing I see/think is real.. What
I see in my head is imaginary yet I am being told it is
real.. the whiteness...the water... the moon...the energy
balls.. the rainbows.. the figures...the vines...the
caves...the leopards...the candles... the fire... My
thoughts make no sence.. My desires make no sence.. My
sence of reality has vanished.. I no longer know if I make
sence..

Is my mind playing tricks?? The fear is real.. The pounding
heart is real.. But why am I afraid? Its just my mind,
right? I have my new, imaginary playground and now it
scares me.. I went from having fun to being fearful and
lost.. But i cant stop trying to get there.. Because this
piece of fantasy and madness helps release some hidden part
of me that I love.. These twisted desires help me shed my
chains and embrace the things I want..

I just hate feeling like I am not in control of my mind..
It goes where it wants and I am powerless to stop it.. I
hate that! Sometimes it goes weird places and Im there but
cant stop it.. Fear usually saves me in the end but I dont
know what I am afraid of.. I know what I feel.. But dont
know why I feel like that.. I dont know why I feel so
strange when I lay down.. Fuck... I just want to know if
this is all a dream...