Thoughts of an insomniac
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2001-12-07 05:09:46 (UTC)

Thoughts of an insomniac..... It all begins here....

Well, this is my journal and I guess that I am using it to
be a bit more constructive than just fiddling around on the
internet doing nothing. I will talk about topics that have
some bearing in my life but I will not go into the greatest
of detail, just enough to get it off my chest and make me
feel better. If you can relate to what I am saying or have
some constructive feedback for me I am all for it,
otherwise enjoy the journey inside my head.

It is 11:46p.m. on Thursday Dec 6, 2001
I think tonight we are going to talk about me and my
current bout of unemployment. Being that I am a recently
married man of 24 years of age I find myself without a job
and looking but this 9-11 situation has thrown the job
market all out of whack for those of us looking for
employment. I have never been able to get any real quality
sleep at night so I am destined to sit up many hours at
night while my brain is going 1,000 miles a minute. I sit
there while things that should not consider me at that time
come up- When will I get a job? How can I help be more of
a contribution to this single income family that I am in?
Generally things that have to deal with being a stay at
home husband that is fresh out of college with a degree and
unempolyed. I know that I am not unemployable, but I am
just unemployed and have nothing to do to keep me busy.
Sure I search for jobs during the day (that is now my job-
looking for a job), but I feel that I should be doing more
and learning more to make me more marketable.

It's a toss up, at what point do I start polishing my
school projects in place of searching for a job? I know
that it is up to the "Big Guy" to put everything into
place, but I guess that I'm impatient. Nothing happens
without effort I guess. Seems like the same old routine
though and I want more for my wife. I want to be a good
provider, I want to be able to give her the sun and the
stars. I want to show her things that she only imagined in
her dreams of seeing.

She reply's that all she needs is me to make her happy and
I trust that to some degree. Part of me trusts that, but I
know that you should always keep a girl on her toes and
fall in love with you every now and again to make her
remember why she started going out with you in the first
place. It's hard to do when you don't have any income to
WOW her with or do anything, that and you have school
loans, car payments, and other things.

Family life......... don't even get me started on family
life. On her side I have the ideal everyday parents that
everyone wishes that they had as far as support and loving
you no matter what. On my side you have the higer class of
parents full of the pride that wealth has brought upon them
and they have failed to see what humble and meager
beginnings they started out with. That and a marriage that
tore the family's apart and pretty much seems like I will
never keep in touch with my parents from the way they have
been behaving and their lack of acceptance of me and my

This does feel good to get all of this out but it seems
like I always have this to say and although it is my first
entry I think that many others will be the same. I don't
want to write something without it being for the
advancement of how I am feeling. I want to feel better
everytime I write something, and not some routine same old
circle of emotions that have no end or progression.

It is hard because I face the fact that the actions that I
take to make myself a better person is totally unwelcomed
by my parents. They see things one way and are basically
stuck in an "emotional quicksand". I don't see how to make
things better because they won't listen and there is no
progression, just the same ond crap rolling over and over.
I am tired of it and I have to basically leave behind my 2
older brothers (if they can't use their heads and think for
themselves instead of following the leader with my
parents). It is just like someone is ripping out part of
my heart, not that this is a new thing. Skin gets tough
after years of this and you learn to deal with it. How can
I konw if I am dealing with this in a way that is positive
towards me and not hurtful? Maybe that is something for a
future shrink to figure out.

I guess this is one of those things that I will have to
look back on later in my life and see where I made some
good decisions and bad ones too. Hopefully this is one of
those good ones.

Right now the best way for me to keep in touch with my
friends is online. It is not the same as I used to always
see them very often, but I have been finding out as we have
all graduated from college it is harder to keep in touch
with the guys that we once knew. I don't like letting go
of friends but how do you make them keep in touch? Can't
be a one way street on communication.

There is so many jobs in the market and I know that I am
not overly qualified to do any one of them, but I have to
be able to start somewhere! I am not a master but someone
in training, why won't someone take a chance on me? Damn,
now I'm starting to bore myself. I can't imagine what the
rest of you people reading this must be feeling. Sorry for
the long winded entry but there were some things that I
needed to get off my chest.

I don't know if I'll be using this again, but for what it
was worth I feel better somewhat. There is always another
long sleepless night into the whee hours for me so maybe
I'll see you all again. Take care and thank you.

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