once again
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2001-12-07 05:03:38 (UTC)

Dec. 6

Amica's right, I am dying. I'm hurting really badly and I
know I have to be strong. I know that I will be with Shawn
again and I have to have patience. However he's been with
his mom all day and I know he won't call because they don't
have long distance. But it's late and I emailed her
because I really want to talk to him. All day I've been
miserable. I want to crawl into a hole. I only ate today
becuase I began to feel sick. But I want him so badly. I
miss Florida, god what kind of drugs have I been on? I
miss Florida??? I know I could move back and live with
Amica and suffer through working during the slowseason and
all that, but I'd have Shawn and I'd have my life back.
But here I have it made. I have to give Patty $200 a month
but other then that I make awesome cash and all I pay is
for my car. I could catch up on bills.
Robert called me today and I don't want to talk to him.
When I told him about my foot accident he laughed, like I
knew he would and it's not something to laugh about when I
miss a week a work and I was in pain. Not cool at all.
Then he tries to find out what happened with Shawn and I.
I told him the same old shit that he made promises and I
just have to wait. None of his business. The whole
missing me issue came up and I pretended I was dumb to the
hole thing. I lied just to get off the phone with him and
I don't want to see him.
I actually, can't believe I'm about to write this, would
prefer not to talk to Jason either. I want to be left
alone by the entire male species except for those who live
in FLorida and mean some thing to me. It's not fare and I
know so I still talked to him for and hour online last
The tears just roll down my cheeks and there's nothing I
can say to myself to stop them. I feel like soemthing died
and I'm going to the funeral. I look at my cat and see
Shawn. I didn't take pictures of him or with him. I
forgot the whole time and Tuesday night we slept. We woke
up so late we couldn't and then I rushed to get to the
hotel. I talked to Rich today and he knew right away
something was wrong. He told me to be okay and I can
always visit. He's a sweet kid. 17...going to make some
little teenage girl happy.
I know that this is right. Our love...becuase when it's
lust you can push it out of your mind. YOu can ignore it
and this isn't something I can shun away. The hurt is too
real and I want to die. I don't want to feel like this
anymore. I want it to stop but I know there's 2
solutions. I can give up and go back like a little pussy
or I can be tough and stick out the wait for Shawn to get
here. I have to be strong no matter what but fucking a, I
don't want to be. I'm the one who's strong that everyone
comes to when they're upset. But what about me? I goto
someone and geez I don't know what to tell you. I don't
want words I want some goddamn comfort. I want someone to
tell me that he loves me and he will be here. That things
will work themselvesout. I think I'm loosing my mind.
Maybe, quite possibly. That or just my ability to be