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2001-12-07 03:11:51 (UTC)

Another Entry for the same day!

I just got back from the phonathon and I feel a little
better. I mean, not physically, mentally. It's
weird...I've never thought about my mental status. I don't
know if I've ever had one because I don't think that much.
I just act like a dumbass and goof off all the time and
avoid serious thought of any nature. But now, I think all
the time. If I am not thinking, I am sleeping. When I
wake up, thoughts sort of crash into me and get all jumbled
up in my head and I get a little dizzy. I don't know if I
like this or not. I am for sure different, though. People
have noticed that I am less talkative and a little less
energetic. It sucks...I've always bounced back from
things. I've always been able to just smile and tell a
corny joke and be a doofus and just not think about all the
shit that goes on, but it's all changed now. Everything
makes me think. Rusty....I don't know about him
sometimes. Kimberly says what he does to me is wrong, but
I guess my mom passed on that stubborn neediness trait. He
has sort of messed with my head, frustrated me, hurt
me...but I still adore him. I look at him and see
everything that I want and everything that I know I need. I
know he cares about me as a friend, but I don't know about
anything else. Does he like me as more? Who knows! I
wish I knew though. I wish I could just kiss him once...or
just touch his hand...anything. I usually get over guys
pretty quickly, especially if I can tell it's not leading
anywhere..but I just keep holding on to this fantasy that
Rusty will like me as much as I like him one day. But, I
know that if we ever did get together, I would always feel
inadequate. I wouldn't feel good enough. I would feel
insecure. I don't know...should I let it go? I'm gonna
say g-night to Kenna and then hop into beddy-by now. ~Beth~

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