The Nightshade Princess
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2001-12-07 01:50:14 (UTC)

Today began rather well. I wasn..

Today began rather well. I wasn't manic, as I have
been for the past several days, but I was pretty damn
close. I saw my beloved at school, and his pale, strong
arms made the whole world a little warmer. My father was
to return home at 5pm, but before that my mother came and
picked me up to go shopping. I went because I already knew
father would take me nowhere, and that I would likely end
up staring that the same four walls and losing my good
mood. I expected to be home sooner than 8pm, but mother
and I were waiting for our dinner to cook. Finally, we
gave up and she gave me a vegan stuffed pepper to take home
and eat, and she drove me back to father's house. We
shopped and drank coffee at our little spot, whatever it's
called, and then we went to her house for the food. I
bought a female friend of mine a gift of candles, and since
she is a witch, I know she will welcome them. The store
even wrapped it for us. I spoke to the love of my life on
the phone before I returned here, and I was in a really
good, sensual mood. I felt beautiful and sensual for once
in a long time. Meditation can do wonderous things for a
When I returned to father's house - I can no longer
rightfully call it home, for I feel unwelcome and ignored
now, and not secure any longer - I breezed in and spoke to
my father and Kristin, who were nestled on the couch. I
attempted to make pleasant conversation, mentioning that
mother had taken me to her little coffee place. He
immediately began to question me as to what it's name was
and where it was located. When I told him that I could not
remember, he asked to see the receipt for the gift I had
bought... surely THAT bore the store's name. I had not the
receipt, for mother had also bought gifts and kept it. The
bag, too, bore no trace of the name. He began to mumble
something about how I was giving out all the info to our
home and bringing HIM nothing. Ah, yes, the "sleeping with
the enemy" argument again. He said he did not believe me,
and has ignored my presence ever since. He made a comment
about knowing what my BROTHER had to say when he got home.
Naturally this made me curious, for my brother had gotten
into a scuffle on the bus and will likely be suspended for
it, and I'd told no one. I wanted to know if Sean had
mentioned it. "Nothing..." and after a brief pause: Oh
wait...I don't remember" was the reply, his voice was
taunting me, trying to punish me for not being a good
little spy. At that moment I wanted to go into my room and
shoot myself again. I can't explain that feeling. I know
that if I were to go to mother's that there would be equal
unrest, I see it when I stay there, no matter how much
paint they but over the rust. There is simply nowhere for
me to go. The only reason mother knows ANYTHING (I don't
tell her anything major at ALL... that's Sean's job) is
that she actually makes attempts to talk to me and get to
KNOW me. Father says nothing to me unless I speak first,
80% of the time, and even then, he does not even bother
trying to keep the conversation going. He just replies to
what I say (or not, depending on his mood), then returns to
whatever he was doing to begin with.
I'm a GOOD little puppet, for the most part. I do my
fuckin chores unless I get really depressed (he never
notices, and he's stopped asking because he doesn't want to
hear it). I haven't gotten anything lower than a B for
this entire school year, and the last report card I got was
of straight A's. I stay out of trouble, don't in his
divine presence, and even show respect (unlike my
brother). I don't even ask to go out anymore, because I
know nothing will come of it. WHAT am I doing wrong?????
Is there something wrong with ME?? Apparently there is
because I am not good enough

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