A Closed Mind is An Open Book
2001-12-06 23:00:12 (UTC)

eh... who really cares what I call this stupid thing

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have the perfect
boyfriend, the perfect disfunctional family, the perfect
sister, the perfect friends... so why am I not happy? I
mean, I thought I was over the little "nobody gives a flip
about me" thing... especially since I know I have people
that do care. The cutting things stopped. Does it really
matter anyway? ugh... I don't know what I mean. It would be
nice to wake up in the mornings without selfishly feeling
angry that I was alive to see another depressing sunrise.
GRR! Jeez... why am I thinking like this!?! I should be
happy! I have a boyfriend that i know I could spend the
rest of my life with and here I am thinking of something
that would tear him to pieces! I'm so fucking stupid its
not even funny! I really just need to get over myself I
guess. I swear I can hear that damn psychologist in my head
still. "what about your mom? how do you feel about your
mom?" How do you answer a question like that honestly with
the person in question sitting beside you? I wonder if I
had been honest on how I felt then things would be
different... that I wouldnt have her constantly on my mind
and I wouldn't feel like I need to completely put my life
on hold for her. I feel like putting my hand through this
desk just for the hell of it... just to break something and
to piss someone off... but I guess I can't so it doesnt
matter... well I guess this entry makes up for me not
writing in a week or so... but i guess no one really cares