jillian

absent
2001-12-06 07:35:42 (UTC)

once again... i did nothing today

as my title says... i did nothing today.

that's right, nothing, unless watching tv is something... i
should have went out and tried to find a new job... i should
have called the collection agencies (the many) that i owe
money to... i should have went to the library and started my
term paper... but alas and alack... i did not. I DID
NOTHING.

why...

because i can't do anything... i just don't feel like it...
maybe if i had motivation... i mean the aspect of motivation
is there... if i get a new job i can make more money to pay
off my debt... if i go finish this term paper i'll have more
time to revise it and get a better grade on it... shit.

i think about when i was 15, 16...

our favorite thing to do was drink and smoke pot and
occasionally sniff coke... the first time i ever got drunk
was at my 15th birthday party... my mother was out of town
and my father stayed in the garage or in his room (in his
own private drunken stupor)... everyone at school knew about
this party... i had told everyone... i had drank before this
but only gotten a small "buzz" from a zima or 2... my house
was full and i wanted to get drrrrrunk...

a friend went to jewel and stole a 5th of vodka for me...
happy birthday he tells me... i mixed 7 shots with some
orange juice and was blasted... i have such a memory for
dumb details... i was wearing those "swishy" pants and my
michael jordan jersey with my fancy new air max shoes... and
i was rockin' a gold chain... how goofy... i remember little
about that night... i do know that my father was
commandeering the night for a bit... he asked all the
smokers if they were 18 and if they weren't he flicked the
cigarettes out of their mouths (real slick)... "where's
jill?"... "um she went to get some food with so and so..."
when really they were hiding me behind the bathroom door...

thus began my career...

we saved the mini plastic bottles of juice our mothers gave
us in our lunches and filled them with vodka... these we
would chase with whatever we could get ahold of... i
remember walking to a party and drinking my vodka on the way
to the party... we always had to be drunk before we got
there... i don't know if this was to ease us into the scene
or so we didn't have to share... nonetheless, i loved it...

how i look back on these days of drunkeness with such
fondness... but not only was i constantly drunk... i was
also drunk on naivete... (heavy)...

phooey. too bad i can't look these days with that same fondness...


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