†flower_of_the_field†

A glimpse of the past

Before I begin, I would like to clear up the title of my
online diary. I have many faults: pride, anger, laziness,
etc. that I wish to abolish. I have dubbed them
my 'dragons' and plan to slay them one by one.

And now for a glimpse of the past. The following are some
entries from a diary I had before this online one:

5/21/00
Ever since my friendship with Amy expired, I have felt
more and more alone. It seems that the only way to fit
into society is to act like you belong, and I am a bad
actor.
My refusal to speak like a moron, act like a child,
and pretend to be happy has left me with few people to turn
to. Even my closest friends don't truly understand or know
me.
As a young girl, I always anticipated the day when
myself and my peers would be grown-ups. I was certain that
once I became an adult, there would be no more petty
squabbles, no more teasing, and most importantly: no more
popularity contests or cliques.
Unfortunately, the images I had of adulthood had been
derived solely from television. I soon learned that the
squabbles, taunting, and cliques would grow up with us,
becoming more vicious by the year.
I have always been an object of scorn to my
classmates; probably because I was determined to be an
individual. Their cruelty and superficial nature have made
me even more driven to be different; which only wins me
more contempt. It is a never-ending cycle.
Knowing that I am socially inept leaves me feeling
rather inadequate, though I know I shouldn't. Still, I
always feel inferior to the people around me. My low self-
esteem makes me an easy target for favors and barbed words.

5/28/00
I used to think that whenever I was hurt, I could go
to my parents and they would make everything better.
Lately, my parents are the source of my problems. I detest
weekends because my parents will get drunk and then come
home to pick fights. Like today: they were out drinking
before I even got up this morning. They were drunk last
night. I don't think I've seen them sober for 36 hours.
It seems like I'm depressed at least three times a
week. I can still remember (wistfully) the days that I
used to make fun of the losers who allowed themselves to
succumb to depression. Now I have joined their ranks.
My mother complains about her life, her home, her
financial status. She doesn't see how lucky she is to have
what she does. She doesn't want to. So while I'm
struggling to escape this tar-pit, my mother is searching
for reasons to wallow in it.

Well, that's enough for tonight. Don't worry, I'm not
going to write sad, self-pitying entries all the time.
Right now, I'm just trying to give you some insight into me
and my past before I get to the present.
~flower