Ad 2:
2001-12-06 02:34:59 (UTC)

i cleaned today. it wasnt fun...

i cleaned today.
it wasnt fun.
but its over now...
so thats good.
i am very tired.
my girlfriend is sick.
and i wish that i could make that better.
but i cant.
i couldnt even see her today.
and that sucks.

i spent the day with jennifer.
it was a lot of fun and nice.
she is doing well now...
and i couldnt be happier for her.
or for me.
i worry too much.
but thats only because i have so much to worry about.
things are healthy between us now.
very much so.
and im thankful for that.

she found my ring today.

i met her old boyfriend today..
it was weird. but good. but weird yes.
that was the first person in all the years that ive known
that knew her before i did.
and in a way it was almost intimidating.
which sounds really stupid i know.
but i guess to me.
i just always thought of her life starting when she MET me.
my little ashley world is a nice place to live sometimes...

friends are good.
some of them.

so christina called me back...
i have not retured her call.
and i dont think that im going to.
im not sure though.
i was sad thinking abotu her today.
but im trying to be strong about it.
i need some sort of closure.
i do.
at the same time i know that if i see her
shell say all the right things
and make me think that everything is cool again.
you know me so well ashley.
youre my bestfriend ashley.
i love you so much ashley
and im a pussy sometimes when it comes to that shit.
but im not stupid either.
and i know that things will never be the way they were
before with us.
too much change.
too much life in between us.
too much of everything.
but still you know...
we are so much the same.
i remember last year when she called me a thousand times
and i didnt call her back because i didnt have any time.
but the difference with that is it was because i was doing
productive things.
school. work. etc.
trying to fix myself.
and with her...
shes getting arrested.
fucking everyhting up with her family.
and pretty much just becoming someone i dont think i want
in my life anymore.
and it makes me want to vomit just saying that.
but i dont know.
i just dont know anymore.
i cant be around that type of thing...
not because i get sucked into it.
because i dont.
but because i care way too much.
i care too much about her and people and then when they
fuck everything up it affects me a lot
and i cant deal with people who make me unhappy.
and i shouldnt have to.
and i know this now..
i wish that i had realized that years ago..
but then again
how exactly do you end a friendship.
on good terms.
its not like were in a fucking relationship.
its not like i can break up with her.
i dont understand.
ive never really felt like this..
and i dont like it.
it was easy when she lived out of state.
so easy.
so easy for me to be close to her then because she was
differnt i was different and i wasnt so involved.
i couldnt be.
i wish that i could help her.
but i cant..
and i hate that. so fucking much.
but i did everything that i could
more than i probably should.
and it sucks.
shes so pretty and so smart and her family has so much
money and there are so many reasons.
but i know full well that shes not going to
i know it.
and i love her so much..
but i cant deal with it anymore.
its not that i cant.
i could.
but i dont think i should let myself anymore.
but how do i explain this to her.
i dont thinkthat there is a way
and i cant just stop talking to her.
although we barely talk now
i need some sort of structure here.
i need something i can be sure of.
and i dont know what to do.

i am sleepy.
i miss my baby.
i wish i was sleeping with her tonight.

i dont know if i have class tomorrow.
oh nope.
nope i do not.
yay for that.