jillian

day ?...

well well well... i haven't written in quite some time...

i want to rehash...

i met guy when i was 16. he came to my house... i was
having my friends over for vodka when my parents were out of
town... he came after one of them saw him at the local
liquor store and invited him... lowly old me... i slept
with him that night... i was sleeping with everyone else,
why not one more... he wanted my number, i didn't want to
give it to him... but my friend ended up giving him my pager
number... and he paged and i called back and, at the risk of
sounding cliche (as if that doesn't already)... the rest is
history...

my fucking god i loved him... at first it was a simple
adolescent love... you know, not sure if you really love him
or just lust over him... he wasn't, what you would say
"right for me"... he was a couple years older (why speak in
past tense... he is actually still a major part of my life...)
he has a son... he drinks a lot and smokes a lot of weed and
does other drugs... not like i wasn't doing that already but
i wasn't meant to... i was meant to be "an honors' student"...
taking honors and AP classes throughout highschool and
working and sometimes volunteering (!) although some of my
volunteer work was actually court ordered community
service... he didn't work (much) and had been jailed
numerous times... but you go through those phases during
highschool where you just want to be bad... (doesn't
everyone?) well... we had our problems with trust of
course, and drugs... i didn't like all the heavy drug use...
we were more or less just "fucking"... but i grew to
love him... intensely...

the summer of '99... after i graduated... actually a few
days before i graduated... he was doing coke all the time...
so i tried it... i tried a lot... the first time i shared
an 8ball with 2 other guys... i had maybe 10 or 15 lines...
i don't remember... but i loved it... mmm... then i tried it
a few other times with different people... then my mother
suspected something... it was a huge event... complete with
punching and scratching... i had only done it 3 or 4
times... and anyway not in the past month... i guess what
happened was rumours started because of the company i was
keeping... so she had me hospitalized (i was 17)... when
drug tests proved i was clean and other tests proved i
didn't have a problem... i was released... but i was never
to talk to guy again...

i went to purdue and couldn't stand to be away from him... i
would get so fucking drunk... i was doing a good fifth of vodka
per weekend... sometimes per night.... how did i not die?...
i know i came close to it once... but i digress...

i would get so drunk and page his best friend... from
indiana? who does such things... at 2, 3, 4 in the
morning... i don't know if i ever really got ahold of
him... but on a visit back to my parent's i found out he was
fucking someone else... no matter... i had fucked other
people too... or was it rape?... i'm still questioning
that... but i was so mad that he was fucking someone else...
on a regular basis... so i dropped out of school (i dropped
out of school!) and moved home... and we rekindled our
relationship... and it was so strong now... i had grown up
some and wasn't too into the "hardcore" stuff anymore... you
know, "the wrong crowd" and all... i remember the first time
i slept with him after we got back together... i cried... i
couldn't help it...

but eventually i moved again... and he needed somewhere to
stay... with me of course... and my two roommates... why the
fuck not... but it was your basic story of him trying to
gain too much control over me... even though i was
supporting him a lot and really taking care of him...

then one night i came home late... dun dun dun... he slapped
me and kicked in the window of the car i was driving... my
room, all my things... ruined... and the police where
called... he was in jail for 2 weeks and i got a restraining
order... not because i was afraid he would hurt me again...
but because i had to get over him and didn't want him trying
to talk to me... but this was the hardest thing i have ever
had to do in my life... i love(d) him more than anything...
when we were together, it wasn't me and guy, it was like we
had to have a new name, like beth or something, because we
were one whole new being... we were so in love... so deeply
into eachother... my mind boggles me as to how two people can become
so close...

it's been 8 months... i miss him to fucking death...