angryanymore

angryanymore
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2001-12-05 02:41:43 (UTC)

plaid skies

well... yeah... things are fair to middling emotionally...
they probably shouldn't be... considering gabe and i are
probably over... due to is unstable need for katie his
ex/first love who has evolved into my friend). ... and...
my drunken screw up friday nite... that i don't want to
talk about...

bob's lecturing me about smoking... i could kill him. shut
him up. ugh.

... i'm gonna post last nites gabe convo.

kisses from jane: *nods* hello.
nawanda43: hey there.....
nawanda43: what'
nawanda43: s up
kisses from jane: i don't guess anything.
nawanda43: problems.....?
kisses from jane: no. not really.
nawanda43: oh.....
kisses from jane: what are you doing?
nawanda43: feeling sorry for myself.......i believe that if
i could major in this.....i would be god......
kisses from jane: why are you feeling sorry for yourself?
nawanda43: what about you.....?
kisses from jane: feeling sorry for myself too.
nawanda43: always have....well.....at least
since ......um......i was old enough to realize that i
suck......
kisses from jane: ... yeah i suck too.
nawanda43: then there's a pair of us.......shhhhhh....don't
tell.....they'll kill us you know......
kisses from jane: i'm aware of this...
nawanda43: i'm good all is good.....all's well no
complaints......
kisses from jane: .none at all.
nawanda43: ha....i almost made that sound believeable......
kisses from jane: almost.
kisses from jane: ....
kisses from jane: pshhhhh... now... lay down the woes ...
what's got you feeling bad?
nawanda43: ok.....
kisses from jane: ok...
kisses from jane: well?
nawanda43: hang on a sec.....thinking.....
nawanda43: if we're talking about love,then i have to tell
you,dear reader,that i'm not sure where i'm headed.i've
gotten lost before.....
kisses from jane: whoa. i was simply talking about life in
general, dear heart.
nawanda43: dear reader,my apologies.i'm drifting in and out
of sleep.long silence presents the tragedies of love. note
the age. get afraid.
kisses from jane: dear drifter, your apologies are accepted
profusely. .... life is a tragedy... but only by
choice. ... note that later on
nawanda43: you say you want me.....i'm what you found..i'm
upsidedown....you're in the air...in the air....and i am
breathing you.......
kisses from jane: i did say that, didn't i? .... upside
down... ... i didn't want you to feel that way. unless
upside down is happy.
nawanda43: give me that smile,just give it me,just turn it
on,i'm lost again.....
kisses from jane wants to directly connect.
nawanda43 is now directly connected.
kisses from jane: there... a smile that was made just for
you...
kisses from jane: but it doesn't matter.
nawanda43: :-D
kisses from jane: *sighs*
nawanda43: nothing really matters......we are whatever life
makes of us....we do nothing but walk through the
fire.....again again....
kisses from jane: no.
nawanda43: no?
kisses from jane: that's what i said.
kisses from jane: ... because you're wrong.
nawanda43: explain
nawanda43: life sets us up.....and we do nothing but
fall.....why would we set ourseleves up.....?
kisses from jane: everything matters. everything we do...
counts... we set our own selves on. we do! ... "you make up
your own ending. let me know just how you feel.. cause i am
lost without you... " ......... i know that. and i am sure
of that. we choose things... and decide later if they don't
turn out our way... that we were "set up" ... bullshit,
gabe.
kisses from jane: ... sorry if i made you mad... but that's
how i feel.
kisses from jane: and its what's real to me.
nawanda43: everything we do is bullshit.....if we had the
luxery of choice...then we would not be
depressed......ect.....we can't help the way we feel.....we
are led by our feelings....we do not lead them.....
kisses from jane: hey, buster... wait a minute... i am not
led by my feelings. and when i am... i chose that. i decide
if i can handle what i'm feeling... if i can't... i numb
myself. its getting easier everyday... you'd be suprised...
really... choice is not a luxury.. its a fucking bitch...
your choice could be wrong. many times it is... and when
you figure it out... the other person... or something...
decides that your mind was made up and theirs
changed. ..... so... yeah. i'll debate.
nawanda43: .......its high and low all at once.....there is
no inbetween.....
kisses from jane: you make it that way.
nawanda43: no i don't.....life is like licking honey off of
a thorn......its good and bad.....all at once.......life is
the most beautiful thing you will ever experience...this
aliveness......and almost unbearable at the same time.......
kisses from jane: yeah, gabe... it is totally unbearable...
and i wouldn't have it any other way... because theres a
reason i've been put in this fucked up situation... ... ...
as jackie says, " a filler with no purpose" ...= me...... a
thorn in your side. ... a thorn in my own.
nawanda43: everyday you wake to find that you are the
same......but everyday you wake to find the sun....
kisses from jane: i'm not the same everyday.
kisses from jane: and the sun isn't that important to me
anymore... whether it shines or not is no concern of mine.
nawanda43: yes you are....and you hate it.....just like i
do.....and every one else .......
kisses from jane: *shakes head* you're wrong.
kisses from jane: i'm not.
kisses from jane: and i'm sorry.
nawanda43: no your not.....so don't apologize.......its
good when realize that you have the balls to stand up for
what you believe....
kisses from jane: you're wrong again.
kisses from jane: i am sorry.
kisses from jane: because... i don't know how else to feel
anymore.
kisses from jane: or right now.
kisses from jane: you know
kisses from jane: blurry- by puddle of mudd
kisses from jane: is a really good song.
kisses from jane: and i got grease all over my favorite
shirt today
kisses from jane: but i got my new glasses yesterday
kisses from jane: so that's good.
kisses from jane: and um...
kisses from jane: i have a headache.
kisses from jane: and yeah...
nawanda43: you now exaclty what you feel......don't trick
yourself into believeing otherwise.......you just want to
scurt around the truth,or hide from it......i do it
often.....beacuse i don't want to believe what my heart is
telling me......
nawanda43: i know because i am doing it right now......
kisses from jane: well i'm pretty sure i already know.
kisses from jane: so...
kisses from jane: don't think of it as scurting around
kisses from jane: just think of it as..
kisses from jane: me telling you... that its ok.
nawanda43: that what's ok...you have no idea what i am
thinking...you may think that you do.....but you
don't......believe me.......its not that cut and dry.......
kisses from jane: it would be so like me to say "so what is
it?!"
kisses from jane: but i'm not going to do that anymore,
gabe.
kisses from jane: because you know..
kisses from jane: maybe that's how you need it to be.
kisses from jane: you waver... its your nature. you had one
great thing... and you're probably not wanting to believe
or ... you just don't believe... that anything could be as
good or better... and that's ... that's you. .......... i'm
not going to pressure you anymore... i'm sorry i did
before. i was trying to prove to you ... something... who i
am, maybe... i dunno.. what i believe? ... and it wasn't
what you needed... and it wasn't supposed to be like this.
i mean. you weren't supposed to waver or feel bad. ... my
original purpose was to make you smile... and that's still
my purpose. ... so i'm slidling back yet once again...
because i guess... you'll figure everything out in time...
and you don't need me to help you ... or pressure you... or
whatever i was doing... and... it hurts to say all of
this... and kills me... but that's how i know it probably
the right thing to do... because.... that's always the hard
way to go.
kisses from jane: but before you say anything else. let me
say this.
nawanda43: ok
kisses from jane: how was i or am i, rather, supposed to
understand... if it could be explained... or told to me.
kisses from jane: and that's not your fault. either.
kisses from jane: god... i'm sorry. go ahead.
kisses from jane: i just never knew... or maybe i did...
and didn't want to believe it... or maybe i still don't
know... how you feel.
kisses from jane: ... i'm about to have to go within the
next 10 minutes or so.
kisses from jane: so...
kisses from jane: if... by some small flickering chance.
kisses from jane: i'm totally nuts.
kisses from jane: and have misunderstood everything.
kisses from jane: please tell me.
kisses from jane: -----------------------------
kisses from jane: i feel like i'm lost.
kisses from jane: well ..
kisses from jane: i guess i'm gone then.
kisses from jane: you know my email.
kisses from jane: nite


i stayed with heather... it was fun... except for ... ...
and if i go into that.. i might "pull some of the shit i
pull"- the last thing he needs is to be in my everyday
dramatic talkshow... (Yes i am aware of my drama.)----------
... since when has it not been endearing though? ... i
cant help it i'm a girl... grrr...

... ok...

i'm getting sad and uncomfortable... and shit.

talk to you later.

jane.


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