hello kitty cat
I've been holding this all in for too long...
Sometimes I think that even though Jason says he doesn't
have doubts about us~~~ he does. I'm afraid of him just
stopping one day and thinking..."what the hell am I
doing?" ...Maybe I'm being paranoid. But I just want to
hear the complete truth from him all the time. I'm sure I'm
just being paranoid. Because most of the time I don't have
any worries about whether he is really there..I look in his
eyes..and I know it's right. It's ok.
Lately I can't stand hanging around my friends. When Sam
and Joselin are together they tend to piss me off...maybe
it's because everything about those two together is fake.
Katy is fine...and Alex is fine with me too..not that I get
to talk to her often anyway...
The only issue I have with Alex is that she never talks to
me anymore..sure we have the "hey..what's up!?" but we
don't talk like we used to.
The boys are fine but with Josh either we totally get along
or he'll flip out over nothing. I think that Josh is a
really cool guy...but it's liek I can never tell what kind
of mood he is giong to be in....
I just don't like chilling with everyone all together
anymore...or alone for that matter...It's just... It's
so ...fake...in one way or another ..it's fake. You know?
No one is truthful with each other anymore.
Katy actually HAS been pissing me off..now that I think of
it...about Lee....she bitches about how he's late..and the
music he plays in the morning that he claims we
like...SORRY LEE I'M NOT A HUGE TORI AMOS PERSON...AND NO I
DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO JOHNNY LANG AND THE WATER BOYS
EVERY MORNING. You would think that Robert Plant doing a
duet with Tori Amos would be Ok..because how can anything
with Robert Plant be bad?? But no..this one is terrible.
Back to the point though. Katy will bitch and bitch about
all the shit he does...
brushing his teeth while driving....putting on his shoes
while driving ...smoking in front of my little brother
(wait that's my pet peeve not hers...)
and I always confront him about it. ALWAYS.
And he always flips out...and she sits there and DOES
NOTHING while Lee says...
"Kelly I'm a very good driver I have driven down this road
longer than you've lived here! I've driven down this road
using only my knees ~!..." bla bla bla
Yes Lee, I'm sure that's why I got that strange sensation
yesterday when we swerved off the road ... when I got this
weird feeling we could have fallen into the lake and
died..because of your GREAT driving skills
"Kelly I can control the wheel while brushing my teeth
Multitasking is NO problem for me!"
I hate who he has turned into.
I miss how he used to be, and the sad thing is ...is that
the only person who understands what I mean by that is
Mariko...because Katy...and Joselin..and all them...they
didn't start chillin with Lee until a year ago. I miss him.
I really do. And it makes me sick to see him now. Anyway...
I always confront him and Katy just stands there while I do
it...she never says anything..she never backs me up...she
never says A WORD. It pisses me off. I thought I was the
Joselin I can't stand right now. One second I'll
think..youknow maybe we actually do click...~! Then 10 mins
later I'll realize she's just reciting regurgitated shit.
Sam is so delusional it's not even funny. He expects to
find some girl to fill himself up with. You can't have a
relationship with anyone if you don't know yourself...he is
blind. Timing isn't everything. He is asking to be
broken..and so far...so good. He is about to be broken
again. And really..even him falling apart isn't even real.
DRAMA. It's great right!? haha.
The sad thing is I have brought this all on myself. Because
I myself have turned into skatikia.
I am now a spoiled, self-centered, bitchy... brat.
I don't know when or how this all happened.
You create your surroundings.
I have put, and kept these people in my life.
I'm afraid of being alone I guess.
I keep asking for something that's real, something that's
I have failed to realize, until now, that this is all real,
this is all solid, it's just not what *I* wanted.
WHAT I WANTED.
there is that selfish shit I was talking about.
I live in all this drama.
That's what I'm trying to say.
I claim I hate the drama..but I AM the drama.
The sad thing is I dont' know how to get out.
I'm in too deep.
Really if you think about this..it's nothing..none of this
is ACTUALLY IMPORTANT.
I can't wish myself away.
It's all too abstract...