life in borderspace
2001-12-04 16:34:50 (UTC)

The cold, cold winter ahead

I've really not been myself this last little while.
Sometimes I can just feel that ball welling up in my
stomach and in my throat. It goes away though. Everything
sems so negative. I'm not sure if I am picking up the
negativity of other people or if I am just emitting so much
negativity that I am simply reabsorbing my own energy. All
I know is that I am making a real effort to be happy and
positive and good. I like myself better that way. I am
applying for jobs again and maybe that will make my life
mean more. Although the likelihood I get any of them is
slim. Things always look their worst for me in the winter
and I wonder what this one will be like when I already feel
the way I do. It's hard....when all this negativity
happens I find that I need more reassurance than I normally
would but everyone isn't in the reassuring mood. Maybe
that's because negativity isn't the most inviting thing to
emit. Grrrrr........I hate all this tension. Why can't we
just not get in these funks that get everyone else up in
arms. I'm always feeling like I'm saying the wrong thing
or doing the wrong thing and maybe I am....I just want to
make people feel better I want them to feel happy. Cause
when they feel better I feel better. Oh who cares what you
think anyways. Why do you even write in this thing....all
you do is blah blah blah anyways. You never say what
you're really thinking. You always have to nice it up.
Ok...well enough is's time to feel
better...and that goes for all of us.

...perhaps that is who in the blue hell I think I am.