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2001-12-04 15:36:06 (UTC)

Another "sick" day!

I stayed home today...again. Man, I hate school. It's
just so stressful and the hours always seem to just drag
by. I know that no one really loves school, but I'm sure
my passionate hatred is exceptional...I told mom I puked.
I don't know if she believes me, all I know is that I am at
home, chillin. I really hope mom lets me drop geometry. A
lot of people tell me I shouldn't.....but it's my choice,
right? I think sometimes I do or don't do things because
of what other people think I should do. It's my life, I'm
the one who has to live it. It's taken me a while to come
to this point. Sad, right? Most people are born kicking
and screaming for independence, using their freedom at
every petty opportunity they get, but I'm a little
different. I spent a lot of time trying to please people
when I was growing up. Never worked. I'm never going to
be able to please everyone. My mom wants me to be this all-
around adorable little prep who helps out at the soup
kitchen and goes carolling in the fucking ice and
snow....Kimberly wants me to be the "perfect" best friend
and agree with her all the dad wants me to adapt
his humor and be this big-hick comedian, making people roll
in the floor..Tina wants me to be an assertive bitch who
mouths off all the time and doesn't take shit....Heather
wants me to know everything and be a natural at everything
I do.....and Rusty, god, who knows what he wants from me?
I would try my hardest to be whatever he wanted.....but I
doubt I would ever come out on top in that situation. I
think I am a mixture of all these things. I have so many
different moods and personalities, sometimes I wonder about
myself. I wish I could just find a person or something
inside that would please me and not totally piss everyone
else off. Ha, like that will ever happen. Sometimes I
just want to die. Seriously, what is so bad about dying?
In retrospect, I don't even see why it used to scare me so
much. I can look in right in the face now and not even
flinch, maybe even smile a little. People act like dying
is some terrifying, endless pain and regard it with tears
and heartache...but once you're dead, no one can FUCK with
you anymore! You can't think, you can't stress, you can't
get hurt, you can't fall in just lay in your
casket and concentrate on being dead!! What could be
better? I know that people might be a little hurt and
confused if I died...but hey, I'm constantly getting hurt
and confused by things other people do. I really stay
alive for my mom. She has already been through so much and
I know she loves me. If she came home and found me
dead...god, she would fall apart. Well, I've written
enough for now. Sheesh, have I written enough! More later

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