I Debbie...
2001-04-01 14:04:21 (UTC)

Somber Reflections

Gabriella really started me thinking down the wrong path
yesterday. She got me thinking all the negative stuff again
about Brian and the difficult time he is having finding a
job he likes. I mean, yah,..he is hard at best to please and
likes a job that pretty much is 8-5 M-F,but I can't blame
him for having a different perspective than mine. I am just
so used to doing things on weekdays or finding time during
the week. I don't have to have two days off in a row in
order for me to get things done. He is extremly hard to
motivate. For example, he got written up twice for being
late to work. I mean to say that he was 2-3 minutes late
each time and the one time was when Jo took him. She called
me from her car phone and she told me he was on-time. But
anyhow,if they are going to be that picky about it than he
needs to find another job. Period and end of story. Let's
see if he actually gets a paper today. And he needs to call
Rick regarding the ongoing saga of the car. But are these
just things that we do or see differently or are these
things fundamental obstacles that prevent him from getting
what he wants or needs. That is a tuff question. Gab seemed
to think that he is lazy and seems to like being out of a
job. I don't think that this is that case and I hope I
didn't portray that to her. He just hid that he never had
the one job from me for two months and watched me spend
money like water leading to my car,the good one, being
reposessed. Yah,I hate that he did that but I am trying to
get past it,and people bringing me back to that bad pissed
off depressed place is not a good thing. He has this
terrible issue with his pride. He won't find something
,anything,it has got to fit a certain mold. True. He hsa
limited job skills. True. But so did I and I just kind of
fell into the job I have now because I did take a backward
step or two from K-mart where I was making $10 an hour. That
is what he needs to see. But therein goes the pride thing.
And his parents are no help. Yah they pray for you and send
you all kinds of cookies at the holidays and are nice on
your birthday and Christmas. But when it comes down to the
really bad stuff,when you need a loan or real support that
they are a no-go. I think this is the fundamental reason why
Brian is so bad in Bad times. He never saw what you do when
the chips are down,earth wise. God is awesome in His powers
and He can work great miracles,but He also helps those who
help themselves. He can give you the tools but He can't
guide your heart and hands to use them. I feel like I have
to keep supporting and showing and I am tired of doing that.
But at least I know somewhat why he is now like that. I
don't get how Wendy and Brad didn't get that inability. He
did such a good job in the car thing recently and I told him
that I was proud of him. I hope he gets the hint and
incorporates it into other aspects of his life. I don't know
what I have to do to get him to act in the same light with
respect to the job thing. One thing that Ed once told me is
that some employers look not so-favorably on perspective
employees who have weight problems. Health benefit-wise. He
has a friend who before he lost weight couldn't find a job
to save his life but afterwords was able to land a good one.
That kind-of made sence b/c I had seen it so much at K-mart.
I have to admit that in the world of first impressions that
this is too often true. And an interview is the ultimate
test of first impressions!!!! I was considering leaving him
for so long and I still woder if I shouldn't have a long
time ago. But apart from that he isn't a bad person and I
can't see leaving something for 1 flaw. It is a huge ugly
scar but one none the less. I was only thinking of doing
that to get my point across but where the heck would I go
anyway? Especially now with no car!!! Which one of my
friends would be able to have me as a guest in their home. I
mean COME ON!!!!! I feel pulled to find a second job.
Something in the evenings like babysitting,or another place
in the mall. No, not Things Remembered. And I really don't
want to be in the food court either. Maybe I should get the
paper too. I think they should have one in that little store
in the mall. One thing we are going to do is start paying
eople back and I mean now. I mean the credit card people and
the independant loans like CCCS and his parents and Jeff.
His parents are the most immeditate on my list. Especially
after the latest of crap. Did I tell you that they wanted
written verification for the loan they gave us? Isn't that a
load of crap? Some parents wouldn't even ask for it back.
Like we have ever asked tham for help. And if I ever have
anything to say about it we never will again. And then all
of a sudden because he only has Sunday off,they won't be
coming up. Like we have never have ever done the same darn
thing. They could come up on Saturday morning,drive in by
5(when I will be back from Casey's by then). Brian will be
off about the same time. We would have all that night and
Easter together. Then they could leave Monday morning or
whenever. I have that day off too. But no. I guess not
having Saturday off was the clincher.
Well,I think I am done for now I am signing off.
I debbie,........