Lost Wreckage of My Mind
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2001-12-04 06:29:10 (UTC)

Endless Cycle of Death

Completely confused. What is reality. I no longer see it.
Nor do I know what to do. Hopelessness. All alone. No
one to talk to. That is nothing new. Not many times in my
life when I have had a friend. I don't bother speaking my
thoughts. They have always been too extreme and complex
for those around me. I try to save myself from my mind,
but things happen. You cannot seal up your emotions
because something will happen to you and force them out.
I used to be on my computer all alone every day shutting
out everything else around me in the world. My horrid past
and all the drugs I did brought me to a very long
depression. Too hopeless to create. Didn't dare work on
artwork since the year before when I tore it all up.
Always thinking of suicide but never going through with it
because of my boyfriend. Hardly seeing him because our
schedules are now opposite since I have gone to college.
Blocking out all the faces I see everyday and keeping to
myself. Then it happened. I woke up the smell of smoke
pouring at me through the cracks of my closed bedroom door
on the second floor of the house. I was all alone in the
house. Through the cracks I could see the flames reaching
to the top of the ceiling. The air was hazy of all the
chemicals heading my direction. And I accepted the fact
that I was going to die. I was sad to let everything go.
Then I saw a faint glimpse of hope. A narrow small window
in the corner of the room. It was my only way out. My
worries were of leaving my boyfriend and being burned
alive. I was about to go through a suicide mission and
open my door because I had kept my gray kitten in the house
that night. He meant everything to me, and I was
responsible for him. But I saw that it was hopeless, and
my room was the last part of the house to burn. I jumped
to the top of the black dresser to get to open the small
window. Fortunately, a month before my stepmom had my dad
pry the window open with screwdrivers and unlock the bars
of my second story window. I turned around to my room one
last time. The smoke was now leveled halfway across the
room. I am a very small person, 100 lbs, 5ft, and I was in
my boxers and spaghetti strap rainbow pajama shirt. With
my legs kneeled and my arms held together against my chest
I closed my eyes and jumped more than 20 feet. I landed on
concrete with my bare feet, forearms, and hindlegs. The
jump was euphoria. Anything was better than being in the
heat and sickening fumes of the fire. I ran around the
house, and the entire house was in flames. Things were
shooting in the air all around me. I tried to climb locked
tall iron gate to get to the front yard, but my feet were
too swollen to allow me. In the front a police car was
heading to the house. I yelled as the officer got out of
the car, and he helped me over the gate. He happened to
see the smoke coming from the house when he was driving
down the road. The smoke alarm never went off because the
fire was too quick. From the middle of the street I could
see the flames reach more than 10 feet in the air. My
stepmom had a room full of dozens of perfumes in the middle
of the top floor, and that's where the high flames were.
My eyesite is extremely bad, and I could still see the
flames from far away. I had nothing but the pajamas on
me. I could not see or anything. 6 firetrucks came to put
out the fire, not including the ambulances and police
cars. It was an electrical fire. We had that house for 7
months, and the person before us obviously put illegal
wiring. Earlier that night, before I went to bed, I used
the bathroom in the opposite upper story, in my dad's
room. The toilet flooded, and leaked to the bottom floor,
hitting a bad wire between the floors. I haven't been the
same since.

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