2001-12-04 06:03:03 (UTC)

you are the reason. that my..

you are the reason.
that my stomach hurts.
youre the reason.
i was given this birth.
i will never be who you are.
or who you want be to be.
but why would i...
youre so unhappy.
so you drink yourself stupid.
and youre drinking yourself to death.
so many things i say to you
and you just..forget.
im quite sure youve forgotten a lot of my childhood.
a lot of the sweet things ive done for you.
memories fade with every passing can.
crushed in the garage.
which i helped hide for you.
i helped lie.
for you.
for this.
for this which i hate
but it helps you.
and it makes you happy.
i have suffered the result of it.
for my whole life.
since i was young
and i remember your meetings.
i just missed you.
i just wanted you to tuck me in
and you werent there
but you werent there either.
you were sitting in the parking lot.
beer in hand.

while i waited.
waited for your hand.
and when i almost died.
when i was hospitalized.
i swore i would never end up like you.
i didnt want to go
what you went through
but im beginning to think
maybe this side is worse
i just dont know anymore.
i really just dont.

and tonight you called me.
although you knew where i was.
and you were angry.
and we fought.
although i love you.
more than anyone in the world.
and i yelled at you
and i cussed at you
and i hated you
i hated you for your slurred words
you made no sense.
and im your child.
and im trying to do it all right.
im trying to not give up.
but its like
youre fighting me
youre adding to my struggle
and its so fucking tempting
and its making me so mad
i quit all of my shit
for you for you
but fucking you couldnt do it
for me..
and whos the mature one?
whos the older one?
whos the mother.
and who exactly is the daughter.
im so tired.
im so tired of it all

so tired of everyone.
im such a good girl now
and you dont even realize it
how the fuck could you
you dont fucking pay attention

and my dad hates me.
and my sister now thinks hes right.
and my grandpa cant think straight.
and my grandmothers are both dead now.
and i have no one
and nothing
i have mowie
i have my friends.
but which one is really there.
and which one is just...pretend.
im not sure.
not anymore.
sometimes i think everyone is bullshit.
emotions seem to fade too quickly.
to be really meant.
and my head is worse now
and i want to go to sleep
but i cant
and i wont
and i just want to get away
and no matter what i do
i will loose in some way
and it sucks to think
that life is spent this way.
sometimes i think im too far away
even for myself.

i love emily.
this i know i do.
i realized that tonight.
at least i know that.

and i love jennifer.
yes i do.
but things are different now.
seems like they always are.
and the always will be...

and my back is hurting a lot.
i need to sleep.
i have to get up early tomorrow.
registration line awaits my sleepy ass.