xsuperboy

The Journal of Greg Rodriguez
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2001-12-04 05:08:41 (UTC)

December 3, 2001 11:37 PM

Dear Journal,

I should be memorizing a Spanish dialogue right now. I
also should be studying for a College Algebra test that I'm
not even remotely prepared for. But I have shit on mind,
like always.

I don't really know where to begin. These past few weeks
have been kind of an emotional up and down for me. Just
things floating in my head that I can't seem to shake.
Random ideas. Viewing my situation from different
perspectives. My perspective of myself is constantly being
pulled from under me. It's bad when you don't know who you
are, and what you want, or where you're going. I just feel
like I'm drifting. What I wouldn't give for some clear cut
answers. I get nothing. Or maybe the answers are in me, and
I'm just afraid of what I'll find. I do feel like I've
improved somewhat; my sense of self isn't as diluted as it
once was, or so I think. Like I said, my views are
constantly shifting around. It sucks. Like take the clique.
I'm very content in their company. But sometimes I just
want to surround myself with new people. People who I think
are "cool". I sometimes glance at Kristen, and wonder if
maybe she ever feels the same way. Her and I are similar in
that we are, as Kayla would put it, conformists. I have
absolutely no problem with being a conformist. I don't
crave individuality, in the superficial sense at least. I
have my own ideas. I have my own thoughts. But those are
very impressionable. It's like if I think one way, and then
someone raises another point that might completed
contradict my own, then I'll feel like I'm wrong, and I
have to think like they do. I don't know if that makes
sense or not. Is it because, at my core, I don't have any
concrete answers about who I am? Until I understand what I
am, am I doomed to be forever undecided?

Julie raised the point the other night maybe that's who
I am. Insecure as a person. Never settling on anything. But
if that's the case, I can't even settle on that notion.
It's like sometimes I wish that someone would come along
and map it out for me: "Okay Greg...this is you. You are
this, this and this. You like this and this." I try to
content myself with the idea that very few people I've met
have it all together. Joe seems to. He's like a rock. Maybe
that's why I'm so drawn to him. He's like a completely
secure version of me. I still don't know what to do about
him. How can he make me so happy just being in his company?
There's less than two weeks until the end of the semester.
I want so badly to ask him to chill over vacation. If I
know him, he'll tell me something along the lines
of "that'll be cool" or "definitely", but purely to be
polite. Best case scenario, he'll give me his number. That
sentence just struck me as funny. This kid ... I need to
spend like a day with him. Just to see what it's like. I
need to get inside his head. Find out what he's all about.
Then I can take the necessary steps into this uncharted
territory.

Funny how as time goes by, all my entries seem to end on
a Joe-related note. What the hell does that tell you?
Anyway, later.

-Greg


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