Object in Mirror

Beneath the Surface
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2001-12-04 05:00:35 (UTC)

Worse Than She Appears

The object in the mirror is worse than she appears. All I
sees is a stranger; a fat, ugly stranger. I wish the
stranger would stop staring at me. Who are you? What the
hell do you want with me? What did you do with that sweet
little girl? The stranger speaks, "That little girl thought
the world of you, and you pushed her aside. You told her to
scram, and so she did. You stopped loving her so you could
be loved by others, and that was the biggest mistake you
could have made."

The stranger speaks the truth. The stranger has become me,
and I do not like what I see. I have become a hideous
monster, and all I can see is greed and fat. Fat, fat, fat.
Ugly, stupid. Dumbass. The Ups and Downs of my life. Is
it so wrong to want acceptance? But why do I feel as though
I am stuck in someone else's body? All I want is to please
others. I am hopeless. I take things too personally. Why
does it hurt me so much when one measly person isn't
outwardly friendly to me? I know I wear my heart on my
sleeve, and perhaps this is why I do not recognize the
person in the mirror.

Every criticism has been too harsh for my handling.
Sometimes I am screaming, "talk to me! look at me! pay
attention to me!", and yet I continue to go unheard, and
ignored. I have considered counseling for my various
anxieties, disorders, whatever...and even went once to an
on-campus counselor. That lady didn't help me at all.
Instead, she simply said she would refer me to one of the
school psychologists and they would call me, but it has been
weeks and no answer.

I have so many friends, and yet none at this time in my life
close enough in which to confide my deepest secrets. Of my
best friends, some moved away, and then I moved away
(literally---state to state). I need so desperately to tell
someone who will be unbiased. The last thing I need is
someone who will take it to either extreme---too seriously,
or not seriously enough. None of that
"slap-on-the-back-oh-you'll-be-alright", and nothing like,

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