Babybird

My Super Terrific Life
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2001-12-04 03:33:34 (UTC)

wow i hate school. it s awful...

wow i hate school. it's awful. a computer virus shut the
entire campus down all weekend and the internet still isn't
up and running in the dorms. so i'm in a sub-zero
temperature coffin they call a lab. i'm sorry, three
computers in a 10x10 room does not constitute a lab. the
good news is that i'm done with finals on thursday. so i
am going to go home and start dealing with the inevitable.
i have been reading a book matt had about dealing with add
in college and i think i'm going to have my mother read
it. then maybe she'll understand a little better what i'm
going through. she is convinced that i am moving home just
to be with him. i tried to tell her no, but she won't
listen. sometimes i think she likes him more than she
likes me. actually, i know she likes him more than she
likes me. but whatever. i can't tell her the reason i
have to come home is because i lost my financial aid. and
the reason i lost my aid, i think, is due to add...which i
am linking very closely in my own mind with depression. i
am severely depressed. so one of my four tasks for when i
go home on thursday is to see the doctor. i am going home
thursday after my lit final. i'll stay home until monday
and in that time i have set four tasks that i need to
accomplish. i figure that in five days i can do four
things. thursday i will clean my room. friday i'll go to
the doctor. saturday i'll get a job. monday i'll register
at iupui. and in order to register i need to get money
from jeff and tonya, so i'll go see them on sunday. it
won't be easy, but God willing, it won't be so bad i'll
have to kill myself. i don't think anything is that bad.
besides, if i do that then i can't prove them all wrong and
walk around with my nose in the air and an 'i told you so'
attitude when i do return from europe and finish school. i
know everyone is going to be extra hard on me for the
mistakes my cousins have made, but i can handle it. hell,
no body is perfect and it's unrealistic to expect me to go
and go and go without making any mistakes. stevie ray
vaughn missed a note here and there. hmm...i think i'll
make a nice big pretty sign with that saying on it and hang
it on my bedroom door. even if it goes right over
everyone's head at least i'll be amused by it. this just
happens to be a pretty big mistake. but it's not
insurmountable. nothing is, really, once you put your mind
to it. trouble is, i have an awfully hard time putting my
mind to something. but starting on prozac or wellbutrin or
paxil will help with that. and being home will help with
that. i'll have my parents constantly harping at me and
matt will certainly be a great motivator. i'll be working
and having money will most definately help with my
depression. money problems are a big part of my stress.
and again, i think it goes back to add and depression. if
i had kept a constant job over the summer, actually showed
up when i was scheduled, put money into savings...i would
be okay right now. instead i had several different jobs,
sometimes going weeks in between them, i didn't like my
first few jobs and therefore didn't go on a regular basis.
i made very little money and what i earned i spent
immediately. but now i have to save for england and i
think i can now be more responsible since i see all the
problems i've created for myself. right now i have the
best intentions in the world, but intentions don't mean a
whole lot if you don't have follow through. but i'm gonna
be okay. if life on the homefront is bad, that's even more
motivation to succeed just to get out of there. or it will
backfire and i'll be exactly where i was last summer. but
i don't want that. and since i know i'm not going to
harlaxton with scott and mel, i think going home is better
than staying here. for one, i don't work when i'm here. i
know i'll have a job at home. and i know there will be
more structure to my everyday life. and i need
organization and structure. that's a big problem i'm
facing right now. at home there will be people
kinda 'watching over' me to make sure i'm on it. i don't
have that here. and since i'm not going overseas at all,
i'll be here for jackie's 21st. and i'll be here to go out
with matt for my 21st. not that i even like to drink. i
don't like it at all, actually. whatever we had at
crackers was good, but yada, yada, yada. i'll be here to
go to florida for spring break. and hopefully matt will be
going to europe with me. that would be great. but even if
he can't, i'm going to go. there's no way i'm missing out
on that opportunity. i even already wrote down in my
calander when i need to get in touch with suzy lantz about
getting my shit together to leave in the fall. ah...this
is going to be long and hard, but whatever doesn't kill me
will only make me stronger. and i just pray this doesn't
kill me. it shouldn't. hell, i've been taking care of
myself, and a lot more, since i was ten. that's ten years
experience. i can handle this. all i have to do is go to
school and go to work and go home. just like high school.
and if i made it through high school i can make it through
this. then again, i was a miserable wreck in school. but
now i have friends and the most wonderful boyfriend in the
world. i just need a good anti-depressant and i'll be all
set.


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