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2001-12-04 01:00:07 (UTC)

Confusion, Perplexity, Puzzlement...

Unfortunately, my first entry in here will isn't going to
be a pleasant one. This week hasn't started out
pleasantly, to say the least. In fact, after the events of
this weekend, staying in bed and not joining the social
life around me doesn't seem such a bad idea.

Of course, the beginning of my day was less than welcomed
(as is customary when spending late nights in the lounge or
online being consoled by close friends). A general feeling
of gloom and dread overcame me as I awoke. This was
definitely a morning to crawl back under the covers, pull
them tightly over me, and pretend I was never born! At
least that wouldn't trigger any emotions.

First thing was the powerpoint project for my European
History class. I made the finishing touches this morning.
After writing in the transitions, I made an attempt to save
it to the network. Well, apparently, since I wasn't having
a bad enough day already technology decided to become
difficult. Eventually, I managed to get Chuck over to
attempt to save it. It worked, and we opened it from the
network. Classtime came, it was our turn and it wasn't
there. (I was scorned by the network.) This forced me to
rush back and get my trusty laptop. We finished our
presentation, as flustered as we were. (Our prof was
surprised that we'd actually completed it, at that point.)

Then there's always the events of this weekend. Why is it
when you think you've found something really good, life
throws you a curveball? I had the best time ever this
Saturday. Then all of a sudden, Sunday rolled around and
everything careened downhill. Never before have I reached
this level of perplexity. Spontaneously, everything went
from my being extremely happy and feeling complete to
severely hurt and empty.

When I managed to muster enough courage today, I asked MJP
what was so different. (Why does one ask questions, when
one knows the answers will be disagreeable?) Although, I
understand he's been hurt, doesn't he think I've been
there? This is a similar situation to one I experienced in
my sophomore year of high school. After having so much fun
on that double date. I thought everything between Tony and
I would go smoothly. The next day was not what I
expected. A note was passed, a note that made me sick to
my stomach. It was something to the effect of "I had a
great time, but we can never see eachother again." That
hurt, I'd felt as if my heart was torn out of my chest and
trampled upon. It took me 2 years, 1 month, and 4 days to
get over my first date. The 25th of the month still holds
a soft spot in my heart.

How can I help but feel this is the same situation, just
set in a different place and time. You'd think I'd learn
from the past. But, instead, it appears I'm repeating it.
It's just that, I've been hurt too. And the thought of
getting involved with someone always leaves knots in my
stomach. But, I figure if you don't look beyond the fear
of getting hurt; you can't truly love. It's an
impossibility. In order to gain love, you must leave
yourself vulnerable to hurt. (Besides, without hurt what
would we have to use as a comparison between hurt and love?)

I must've botched somewhere. What I did wrong still eludes
me. Maybe, eventually, it will come to me and I'll finally
understand just what the problem is. But until then, I'll
continue to feel like I'm playing halo set on multiplayer;
I've just been sniped through the heart and respawned in
the perfect place and time to be blindsided by a tank.

Hurt and alone

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