life in borderspace
2001-12-03 02:13:56 (UTC)

Know when to hold 'em...know when to fold 'em

As promised......the same things are flying around these days. It
always seems to be the same old same old but I guess when I really
think about it nothing is really the same at all. I had a meeting
with a long lost friend this week....I say long lost not because we
haven't spoken in a while but because I spoke with the person I
remember becoming friends with in the first place. The only
unfortunate thing about that is that it was a meeting that involved a
lot of apologies coming my way. This led to a conversation about
someone I use to be and those conversations make me feel
uncomfortable right now. Not because I wish that I could change the
course of life or because I haven't dealt with the things that have
come my way but because I feel myself sometimes verging on the edge
of that person again and that makes me scared and angry. I decided
to forget about that person and that life and for the most part I
have been a lot happier. I know that sometimes things well up so
much that I have to talk about it and I know that's why there's
someone who knows the story in the first place, but that's so I can
talk about it to them....not so they can talk about it to me!
Sometimes it seemd futile to me to deny it all but then I remember
why I made the decision I did and forced myself to move on. Things
were going fine until "the conversation" and now I find myself
dwelling in places that I haven't visited in a long time. Not that
I'm in jeapordy of staying there anymore...just visiting. But it
still makes me sad. I wonder if this stress was a contributing
factor to the very light and short time this month. Mostly I think
I'm sure that's the case...but as per usual with a neurotic the what
ifs sneak in and make me anxious which I'm sure isn't helping any.
Anyways, enough about that! Back to "the conversation".....I'm
pretty sure evrything is ok....but maybe part of the unsettling part
is that the conversation wasn't directed by me. Perhaps there are
things that I need to talk about and re-hash and continue to try to
understand....without Karyn I really don't have anyone who knows
enough to be a good listener to my banter. Is that dangerous? I
don't think Carl is enough because there is a certain something he
misses everytime we converse about the dreaded way back
when....sometimes I think that it is unfortunate that I chose
him...then sometimes I remember why I did. In all actuality I know
that I am better, healthier and wiser. I know that things only get
easier from here. All in all I will continue to concentrate on
forgetting....the best way to not be someone anymore is to simply
stop being them.

....and *that* is who in the blue hell I think I am!!