Joshin Jane

gymnasts and canteloupe

"You've found hope/You've found faith"
when was the last time any of us ate a passionfruit or even
drank passionfruit juice?
i went to three years of double session passionfruits and
the closest we ever came was some weird berry blend from a
mcewen vending machine.
i love you all and i love the passionfruit, but the
passionfruit is a fond memory of the idealistic world we
used to live in.
"Found true love/Lost your heart/Now you don't know who
you are."
what's real right now and forever is our love for each
other, and we have to make good of what we have.

it's been one of those days when you wake up and feel as if
you should have gotten smashed the night before.
"Made you hurt til you couldn't see."
an emotional hangover, i called it this morning.
last night was so draining, five hours of crying and
worrying and eating and anger and crying some more.
"Sometimes it stops/Sometimes it flows/But baby that is
how love goes."
so surreal.
like being stoned.
and drunk.
and lost, all at the same time.
"You will fly and you will crawl/God knows even angels
fall."

OFF TOPIC...
it was my misguided belief that sharing an intimate,
meaningful, and sober moment/hour/evening/weekend with
someone meant....well, meant something....i don't know what
i expected it to mean.
whatever it was, that expectation was shattered.
"It's a secret no one tells/One day it's heaven, one
day it's hell."
we didn't have a past.
we didn't have a future.
but why does it hurt when he talks about HIS future and HIS
past, making my absence from it painfully clear?
"It's no fairy tale/Take it from me/That's the way it's
supposed to be."

our problem is that we all think of each other in terms of
CTY, and as soon as we realize that CTY has ended and that
we need to look deeper in ourselves for the true meaning of
our friendships, we'll say things that have been left
unsaid for much too long.
"You laugh, you cry, no one knows why"
it might hurt to say and it might hurt to hear, but
ultimately, our friendships are doomed if we don't let each
other into our *real* lives and personalities.
"You're on the ride/You might as well open your eyes"

beck: we have a friendship that fosters being honest
and not just telling each other that everything is going to
be okay but helping each other find the way to making
things okay. never forget, never regret. "no matter what
happens with anyone, you and i keep getting closer and
closer. our tears weren't shed for nothing."

alex: i don't just love the part of you that makes me
happy, i want to love all of you. that's what friendship
is. saying what you need to say, sharing what you need to
share. love is about entrusting yourself to someone else.

whatever happens, it will work out in the end.
maybe not the way we dream it will, or the way we
expect it to, but it will work out. and that just when
we think it isn't, it does. i have and will always love you
guys, before, during, and after whatever life may bring.
alex puts it best: "my caring for you is as boundless as
time."