Pandora's Box
2001-12-02 11:36:36 (UTC)



3:10 a.m.

Okay, so today I decided that I wanted to take a tap class this
semester and maybe actually minor in dance (I have room to double
minor). It’s my way of self-actualizing and making peace with my
body, while doing something that I love, that I haven’t done in
awhile and that I regret quitting. And although I’m emotionally set
on the idea, I’m still just thinking about it. Anyway, the idea was
basically shot down by the whole suite (and many outsiders invited
in that had nothing to do with anything) in a way that irritated me
beyond words. I’m not used to being second-guessed, I have a good
head on my shoulders and when I decide I’m going to do something, I
do it. And I rarely regret doing anything (I’m more likely to regret
the things I don’t do). I really couldn’t have ended the argument
quickly enough and I was incredibly offended by the way everyone
joked about something I was serious about. It was like they had
completely discounted that fact that I hadn’t really set myself on
anything, I’m just a freshman, I am going to law school and it’s MY
damn life. I was going to minor in something else academic to
appease my parents and I know that dance is pretty much my only shot
at the Renaissance Scholarship. But the way everyone was about it…
I don’t know if I was more hurt by the disregard for my feelings or
angered by the way I was being attacked. Especially with C’s parents
going on about her minoring in business and her comment about “Don’t
worry, your daughter’s minoring in business.” Okay, but is she
happy? And I am double minoring. I think my parents would be damn
proud of my plan; I have aspirations of getting my J.D./MBA from
Harvard University. And they were all kidding like I was going to be
a dancing lawyer; who did they think they were talking to?
Especially when I said it wasn't a requirement for me to be rich
(I’d rather be happy) and they all knocked that like I was going to
live in a cardboard box on Vermont. (Hello, law degree?) I just make
it a personal requirement that I make $50,000 a year right out of
school. I believe in Greed Karma. I do think $100,000 a year to
start is a lot of money. Especially living alone. Apparently, I’m
the only one. But my parents don’t head companies or anything, so
that may be why my outlook on life is a bit more grounded in
reality. I know what the average American income is. I know what the
cost of living is in California and in places besides California.
And to take crap from people with no other options but their majors,
people without majors and people who for many reasons that will go
unlisted didn’t have any room to be criticizing my decisions before
I make them, I thought it was uncalled for.
I also noticed that, a generation of consumers, we wear our
materialism like medals. Everyone wants to be rich first, happy
second. Everyone describes living “comfortably” which is really, by
societal standards, rich. I’m not saying that I’m not materialistic,
but I hope that I’ve never come off as being so proud of it. I know
everything isn’t for everyone, but I’d like to think that happiness
is. And I know money doesn’t buy happiness. My parents aren’t rich
and they’re happy. I’d love to live like they live when I’m their
age. They have each other, they have each other, their kids, their
health. They don’t have to have everything. I think my father
believes that you shouldn’t ask God for too much. God has a special
way of dealing with people like that. And not only do I not want to
be dealt with like that, it really isn't necessary. If it is not in
God's plan for me to have Prada, then I will just go without Prada.
I could certainly deal better with a lack of Prada in my closet than
I could with getting a job/degree in something I didn't like that
much, making a ton of money working all the time not enjoying it
and just being generally depressed. I've been depressed before;
money never made a difference. I'd really not like to have to go
down that road again.
Anyway, just needed to vent...