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2001-12-02 10:49:30 (UTC)


Today was...different. Me and Tine made a truce so we are
no longer friends, but we are no longer bitching behind
eachothers backs. West Side Story is finally over, thank
god! I am glad that I no longer have to look at those same
people that I can't stand over and over again. I got my
kitty yesterday. Chub-chubs. I also walked out on the play.
I left about a half hour before it started because a bunch
of bull shit was happening and I just couldn't handle it so
I walked out. I was so scared I was going to get in shit
from Mrs. R, but she was really good about it and she
understood. Then at Curtis' after party Brad showed up and
he was totally wasted and stoned. It kind of pisses me off
because he always seems to be like that now. Anyway he made
a complet ass out of himself so I just kind of ignored him
and he will probably be pissed at me but I am going to talk
to him when he is sober and when he is not stoned because
otherwise I am wasting my breath. Jess is the best kid. She
has been literally babysitting me all weekend. She is
making sure I take my pills, be where I am supposed to be,
making sure I don't drink because of my meds, and she has
let me cry on her shoulder so much this last little while.
I know she is going to end up just like Tine though. I will
get really attached to her and then we are going to
disagree on something...and BAM! there goes everything we
had. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to take a
fucking gun and blow my head off. But I wont because I know
how many people I would hurt right now. And I know that
sooner or later I will get better and I wont feel like that
anymore. It just seems like such a good idea. I mean then
you no longer have to worry about what people think or say
about you, you no longer have to worry about waking up
tomorrow morning. It feels kind of weird when I think about
it. I mean I find it a really logical thing to do. But
society on the other hand does not think like I do. I find
nothing wrong in suicide. I mean I know what it feels like
to hit rock bottom and wind up in an instatution. I know
what it feels like to have everyone that you love just
leave you. I know what it feels like to hurt. So I
understand the people who choose that they can no longer
live life anymore. And I take my hats off to the guts and
courage they must have. People say it is the chickens way
out. But have those people ever sliced open their own
flesh, have those people ever held the barrel of a gun to
their own head, have those people ever gotten close to
committing suicide? NO! So they don't know how strong you
have to be in order to make that decision. I know what it
feels like. I should go, I am starting to get pissed off
and I need to go to sleep because it is almost three in the

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