2001-12-02 10:03:54 (UTC)

feel so sick, mind is shit

im not sick physically. sure, i feel sick, but its caused
by my utterly pessimistic mind. the standstill theory is
getting deeper, and my subconscious is again waging a war
within me. ignorance is coming up a lot, whether i should
or not. then, i figure nothing matters, and i slowly go
insane. suicide is becoming appealing. i was wondering if
the Bible ever said anythign about it being an actual sin,
b/c the church of course has. but then again, back in the
day, they considered it to be ok, like matyrdom or
something. anyway, hopefully i dont' kill myself. but i
probably will selfmutilate myself a bit. and of course,
ill get much lot mental pain, as always. but ill supress
it, as i have. ignorance is a paradox. wisdom is a fuckin
huge paradox. 'i feel dead. i feel like shit. i feel
like dead shit' (-invisible monsters, chuck palahniuk). ya,
i really hate it when i plagarize, looking back on it, so
in order to stop guilt in its tracks, i should cite shit
and stuff. ive discovered some vague basics that cause my
insanity depression fits: a mediocre, materialistic
negative thing to happen, like doing bad in school or
losing something an old theory that is repeating itself
over and over in my brain, that is usually negative in the
view of life and shit, usually standstill or related to it
a new theory or philosophy or view, usually an extension
or related to the old repetitive theory. but, these
ingreidents are inevitable, and nearly impossible to avoid,
or else.... fuck, even thinking about giving an effort to
avoid them puts me in a greater depression. shoudl i tell
someone about this? i dunno. its all so far fetched. ive
been thinking that if i ever do go to a quack, ill just
tell 'im/'er about my guilt. yea, the guilt that has been
w/me since birth. that's a nice slow ball to pitch, and
mellow enough to keep people off my case. ill avoid
mercury and any of my theories, as well. whatever, i know
that ill probably just never tell anyone, mercury will
never show, and ill die in my room in a puddle of blood, or
in a bathroom overdosed on pills. im not in a good mood.