Melissa

Growing Up Depressed In The Regan Years,
2001-12-02 03:52:06 (UTC)

WEDNESDAY 14 MARCH 1984

WEDNESDAY 14 MARCH 1984 10:26 P.M.
We got about 10 inches of snow last night, so school was
canceled today. I just sat around and did nothing. Mommy
got mad when she got home from work because nobody did the
dishes. She never told anybody to do the dishes! She was
just walking around the kitchen and living room complaining
and complaining and complaining. I went in my room and
listened to music so I wouldn’t have to hear it.
Heidi called again and only wanted to talk about Matt. I
just didn’t say anything. I don’t care about her and Matt.

I don’t care about anything. This is what we were talking
about at Dr. H.’s yesterday. When somebody gets depressed,
the things that were once pleasurable, aren’t anymore.
They stop doing things they used to like to do, and stop
being around people they used to like to be around.
Physically, they don’t do much but use up a ton of mental
energy, which is more tiring than physical energy. They
sit and wonder why they can’t do those same things anymore,
and feel the same pleasure, and may eventually feel guilty
for neglecting these things. Because of all these
feelings, they use up much more energy than if they had
actually done anything. They are emotionally drained but
can’t sleep because their subconscious keeps telling them
they’re wasting time and need to do something. They want
to do something, but don’t. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, these are the exact things I feel. I just don’t
care about anything anymore. I don’t care about any of the
people I used to. (except for Penny. I guess that’s
because we’re kind of in the same boat and she understands
what I’m going through.) The things I used to enjoy, I
don’t. I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s like an
emotional numbness.

I have told Dr. H. about this. It’s a slow process to
recover from depression. The first step, she said, is to
do something which I used to enjoy doing. I’ve had to
force myself to write in this book (as well as in my
story,) yesterday and today. Sometime this week, I’ll play
my guitar a little. She said it doesn’t have to be a lot,
just 10 minutes or so. I can handle that.

I think about dying a lot lately. It scares me. I used to
know that I was saved and that when I die, I’ll go to
Heaven. I’ve been neglecting God so much lately and I hate
that. Maybe I should just force myself to read the bible
anyway. I don’t know. I don’t even feel like God is
there, yet I know He said he’s never leave me nor forsake
me. Why am I doubting Him so much? Why am I resisting
Him? I don’t know. I want so much for somebody to love
me, and He’s never let me down. Why can’t (why won’t) I
let Him love me? Even God doesn’t mean the same thing as
He used to. I hate these feelings. I don’t think about
suicide, but I do think about getting in a car accident, or
getting sick (very sick) or some other “accident.”
Something which I don’t have control over. I don’t want to
die. I really don’t. It just seems like nothing is really
worth living for anymore.




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