Melissa

Growing Up Depressed In The Regan Years,
2001-12-02 03:36:21 (UTC)

MONDAY 5 MARCH 1984

MONDAY 5 MARCH 1984 7:55 A.M.
I am in homeroom. Last night I met another girl who goes
to my church. Her name is Nina. She seems really nice.
We might be getting together sometime to sing. She’s in
tenth grade at Mountainside Christian School.

My contacts are bugging me. I am going to have to take
them out.

12:24 (same day)
Study hall. I spent third period writing my story. Marty
wasn’t at church last night. I don’t know where he was.
Today hasn’t been a good day. Mrs. B. gave us a test on a
story which I forgot to read. Then I had left an
assignment at home. Good!

2:23 P.M. (Same day)
I am in Social Studies now. I failed that stupid Chemistry
test. I knew I did when I took it. I did pass the Social
Studies test with a 73%, and I got a “B” on my essay. I
thought I messed up the essay badly.

I’m kind of depressed today. It is snowing really hard
outside. If it had snowed really early (3 or 4 AM), school
would have been closed.

I have an appointment with Dr. H. Wednesday. I wish it was
today or tomorrow. I hope Mommy works today so I can have
some time alone before M. gets home.

7:29 P.M. (Same day)
I am really depressed today. Actually, I’ve been depressed
since Thanksgiving. Only lately I’ve been okay because
I’ve been living “Battlestar Galactica.” I just found out
it won’t be on after this week. It doesn’t sound like a
big deal, but this has been the only thing keeping me
sane. I’m serious about this. I am glad I am already in
therapy.

Today I was sitting in school, and actually felt as if I
was going schizophrenic. I felt as if I was all alone, and
nobody could help. I still do. The only one who
understands is Penny, and she’s working. She’ll be home
after 4:00 tomorrow. Great! I need somebody now. I feel
like going out and drinking enough so I don’t feel anything
anymore. Who cares if I do it anyway? Nobody, that’s who.
I see Dr. H. Wednesday, but I just can’t tell her these
things. I can’t tell her that I feel like drinking all
night, then swallowing enough downs till I can’t think, and
then throwing myself in front of a truck.

I don’t want to die. I only want someone to tell me it’s
all going to be okay. In my story, I can’t even let Denyse
have that. She doesn’t trust anybody. She can’t trust
anybody. She is hurting so deeply inside. I don’t think I
can finish that story now because I can’t let her feel any
pleasure. If I wrote anymore tonight, she’d probably
commit suicide or die in battle or something like that.

Sometimes I wish I could really be like Starbuck --
reckless, daring, gambling, taking risks, and having all
kinds of people around who love him. The only people I’m
surrounded by are always around when they need help, but
when I need help, forget it. I’ve had it. I’m tired of
being used. How come nobody is ever there for me when I
need them?

My life has always been like a roller coaster. Every time
something good comes along, it fades away just as quickly.
I’m sick of it. Why can’t anything ever last? It’s times
like these that I think about moving out, far away,
changing my whole identity, meeting new people etc.

I would, for once, like to meet somebody who would love me
and I could love them back. I’m not even referring to a
romantic situation. I’m referring to a friendship. A deep
friendship. Someone I can share things with, laugh with
and cry with. The more days pass, the more I feel alone,
and worse -- lonely. I’m not really alone. I have people
around me all the time, just nobody I really extra-
specially care about. Why do I have to feel so lonely all
the time? Why do people not realize how I feel? I tell
them as clearly as I can without having them think I’m
crazy. I wish I had somebody to talk to.

I guess if I would have to sum up the strongest thing I
feel tonight, it would be loneliness. Is there anybody
else out there that feels this way? I’m surrounded by
people all day long. At church, I’m one of the leaders in
the youth group, one of the oldest, yet why do I feel so
lonely? Why do I feel like nobody cares if I live or die?
Why is it, that when I tell people I need a friend, they
shrug it off and say, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll be
fine.” Well, I’m not fine, and I am worried about it. If
I was fine, I wouldn’t need to be seeing a psychologist
right now.




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