It's ok to be crazy
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2001-12-01 09:37:50 (UTC)

our first "un-date"

he just left. all night long there was such a weird,
awkward feeling between us. the two of us would make love
for hours and lie naked in eachothers arms and sleep that
way all night. now every time he touches me my whole body
just tenses up. we were walking to starbucks and all i
wanted was for kim to hold my hand or put his arm around my
waist....something. while we were sitting there enjoying a
warm cup of tea he kissed me on my arm. it froze me i just
wanted more. i wanted to scratch his scruffy face for him,
give him a kiss on the cheek, stroke the little hairs on
the back of his neck. but i couldn't
after tea we decided to come back to my house to play
scrabble. i watched him over the scrabble board as he was
thinking of a word. just watching his lips and thinking how
much i just wanted to lean over and kiss him.
we used to lay on the couch together. his body wrapped
tight around mine. just being as close as we could. but not
tonight. no, tonight he cleaned up the peices of our game
and declared that it was time for him to go home. i walked
him to the the door where we shared a hug neither of us
wanted to end, he kissed me on the cheek and i did the same
for him and we said our i love you's and that was it. no he
is gone and i am sitting alone crying in front of a
computer screen wanting him so badly.
all i want is to lay on that stupid green couch with him
again our legs tangled together as tight as we can be. his
arms holding me.
why must i live in a world so cruel that two people that
love eachother so much can not be together. i love jon i am
more sure of this than i am of most things in my life but
i can't be with him. instead i am going to have to sit back
and watch as he finds his perfect jewish girl. and loves
her and makes her his wife and treats her like a queen
instead of me. God that is going to hurt so bad. and maybe
someday i will find my good little christian and we will
get married and i will be a good a good little christian
wife with my good little chistian family. or guys wil just
keep on running from this crazy woman. who knows? all i
know right now is that i miss jon. i love jon and my heart
hurts so bad right.