Wingless Ramblings
2001-12-01 07:38:46 (UTC)

Ex-boyfriends should be banned

In a way, I wish ex-boyfriends didn't exist... I mean, I've
certainly learned from all the experiences I've had, good
and bad, but it seems to me like my exes always come into
my life at the most inconvenient times. My ex T. wrote me
an e-mail today, saying that he hadn't heard from me for a
year, and was wondering how I was doing. I caught on
immediately that he was just looking for someone to hook up
with, which makes me positively sick to my stomach. I was
in love with him, and he took that love and tore my heart
out. I lost my virginity to him, and trusted him, and he
couldn't even manage to be friends with me afterwards. It
was partly my fault, because of my (bad) choice of a
partner, but still, I feel like I don't deserve to be used
like that, to have my feelings stomped on without remorse.
T. is a selfish 23-year old child, which is exactly what I
told him in my e-mail back to him, and when he responded to
that, he said that yes, it was true. At least he admits
it. And he did apologize for hurting me and saying the
horrible things he said -- I guess someone hurt him in a
way similar to that in which he hurt me, and he now has a
taste of what it's like to be told you should have shot
yourself instead of overdosed on Zoloft.

It's sort of hard dealing with T. seeing as I want to talk
to someone about it, but R. is the only person I feel very
close to, and the only one I would feel comfortable talking
to. He listens politely most of the time when I talk about
T. and how he hurt me, but I can tell that he doesn't
really want to hear about my ex-boyfriends, and that's
understandable. If he had ex-girlfriends, I wouldn't
really want to hear about them, either. What I need is a
best friend, a confidante, someone to stay up till 4am with
just talking about anything and everything under the sun.
I used to have friends like that, but not anymore. I hope
that I haven't outgrown that kind of intimacy, because
honestly I definitely feel that void in my life.

So anyway, basically I told T. that I was glad he finally
apologized, but that we should go our separate ways and be
done with it; that I have a boyfriend of 9 months now, and
that I'm happy with my life and totally over him. In a way
I hate breaking off any friendship, but at the same time I
know that any "friendship" I had with T. would only cause
problems and that it would in the end be more of a
detriment than an advantage in my life. I suppose I'll
have to go through the whole process of hurting and healing
again, of losing someone I loved and getting on with my
life. Hopefully this time it won't take nearly so long as
it did before.