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2001-12-01 07:02:23 (UTC)

Whats in my head

Ok so I know that I may seem crazy, but I'm not. I have had
a lot of bad things happen to me in my life, but who
hasn't. Lately though I can't sleep. I mean even when I
sleep it's not that good I only sleep for a few hours and
then I wake up. Plus when I do sleep I have dreams weird
scary dreams. And the worst thing is I keep dreaming it.
Every night none stop! Do you think there is something to
that? I want a life I want to get married and not have a
problem with any of that. And for some reason I keep on
thinking that I will grow old and very lonely.I feel like I
am ugly and I know I'm not but I can't help but not feel
that way. My sister is beautiful, she has a disability but
she is still beautiful. And I don't feel like I am. I guess
most teens feel the same way I do. but then again do they?
I'm 18 and I still live at home with my parents and twin
sister. I don't have a job, although I did before. I can't
work right now, not because I can't find a job or that I'm
lazy because either way I'm not. I just can't work
mentally, I mean I have tried but with the last job I had I
kicked, screamed and cried everytime I had to go. And
believe me I liked the job it was fun and enjoyable. But I
had to quit, it got so bad I tried.... Well, I tried
suicide. I guess I didn't just try it over that it's been a
little hard through my life. Not as hard as most people
have it but still a little hard. Ok so what else, you know
what I don't have a lot to complain about I have a
beautiful home, plus a great family. I have five dogs and
two cats, I have a twin sister. But there are little things
here and there. Well, since this is my first entry I won't
say a lot more. I am starting drum lessons tomorrow I can't
wait for that. Well, I'm going to go on. I'll try to write
like once a day.


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