It's ok to be crazy
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2001-12-01 02:30:39 (UTC)

life as a crazy

Recently i a was diagnosed with chemical depression. some
of you out there may think "depression doesn't make you
crazy." well for those of you out there that think
that....try living in my head for a day.
when i look back and remember my childhood i could tell you
what exactly caused my crazyness.
i grew up in a home with an extremely violent father. who
verbally and sometimes physically abused my brother, sister
and me. he whould go into these violent rages and destroy
everything in the house. it was to the point where some
nights i would be too scared to leave my room.
then there was the sexual abuse. as a younge child i was
sexually abused by both my older brother and sister. this
is a secret that i have shared with no one. well just one
person but he is dead now. but aside from that i have just
kept it bottled up. now i am to the point of explosion.
i don't blame my brother and sister for what happened back
then. how can you blame them when they where abused
themselves. so it is hard to figure out where to place the
blame and who to forgive. i forgive my brother and sister
but still that takes away none of the pain and fear i have
in me. so maybe there is someone else to be forgiven.
so lets move on to another reason for my craziness. about a
year and a half ago my boyfriend killed himself. well
technically he was my ex-boyfriend but my feelings were
still the same. this guy was my first love, my best friend,
the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life. i loved
him more than tomarrow. he killed himself. so where does
that leave me.
it left me suicidal. all i wanted to do was kill myself. i
would drive down the road at night thinking how easy it
would be to just turn the wheel just a little, and drive
right off the road to my death.
but i was too afraid to actually take my life so instead i
would just burn myself. self mutilation is great stuff. i
started when i was in fifth grade scratching myself with
something sharp, then moved into cutting, and then burning.
so i would just sit in my room at night with a book of
matches and just light them and then put them out on my
arm. funny thing...it never hurt.
sooner or later my friemds caught on to what i was doing.
so i move into the safe way of hurting myself, body
peircing and tattoos. now instead of being worried about me
my friends just thought it is really cool. yep i have them
all fooled.
but recently i started burning again but i have gotten
smart about it though. i only burn what is clothed. now
they all think i am mentally stable. the suicidal thoughts
are back too. but i have yet to act on them. so that is one
thing to be proud of i guess.
now i am left being afraid. two days ago my boyfriend whom
i love very much broke up with me because he couldn't
handle it anymore. he couldn't handle my crazyness. he also
has chemical depression and i was making him worse. so is
there anyone out there that can handle my craziness. or
well i always be alone and broken hearted? i guess we'll
just have to wait and see. so untill next time.