Pandora's Box
2001-12-01 01:37:36 (UTC)

So, THIS Isn't Working...

Friday, 11/30/01

Grapes& Watermelon.....60
Tbsp. Ranch dressing...54 (6)
Chicken breast........285 (6)
3/4 bun...............135 (3)
Diet Coke w/ Lemon......0

Elliptical: 35 min....3 mi...360
Bicycle: 21 min....7 mi...130
Stairmaster:7.5 min...1/2 mi...50

5:10 p.m.

So I binged on cinammon graham crackers last night and didn't
run at all. I'm gonna have to workout again tonight for that, plus
the bun I ate, but those were extenuating circumstances.
I woke up today, sore because I did jumping jacks last night
until I couldn't anymore. And I took Xenadrine, ate fruit and went
to the gym. After the elliptical I did the bike and then the evil
stairmaster, dreaming of bread the whole time (I always dream about
bread now). And I should have done the stairmaster before the bike
and used the bike as a cooldown because after my heart rate slowed,
speeding it back up again almost killed me. I started to blackout
and my legs were wobbly and I could barely breathe. I went to the
lockeroom and sat down and drank my entire water bottle. So I
decided that the next time I go to the gym to exercise on just
grapes and watermelon, I should actually drink my water and lay off
the Xenadrine. When I got off the machine and left all I could think
about was getting to Cafe '84 so I could get griled chicken and
lettuce and dressing. I almost inhaled the bun, forgetting that I
was only supposed to eat the top half. I took three bites of the
bottom half before I remembered, jumped up and threw it down the
trash chute.
I think I may have to just work out like crazy, because I can't
seem to get under 700 calories in a day. Also, I miss bread. I
realized that it may be a year before I can allow myself to have
pasta or mexican food again. Which is a shame, given how much I love
pasta and between La Salsa burritos and Baja Fresh tacos I could
happily live off of mexican food.
I'm so disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I've allowed
myself to come to this. I feel like I've betrayed my body. This
isn't the way it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to look like
this. I love everything about myself except this weakness. And I
HATE weakness, especially weaknesses that evryone can see. I just
want to go to sleep and not talk to anyone until I'm suitable for