2001-12-01 00:16:30 (UTC)

lots of different shit and thoughts together

on and off.
i feel like we are always on. or off.
and there is no middle ground. not with you and i.
its black and white.
pink and red.
and i dont know what to do with you.
not anymore.
once i thought that it would be forever.
once i thought that changes
couldnt change us.
and maybe i was right.
but everything that is static.
seems to be the problem now.
and i feel so helpless.
and so in love with you.
and just like this blob of confusion
and love
and im offering
its like i cant even reach you anymore.
like, you forgot where you put me
and by the time you find me again
i know i wont be there anymore.
because time has shown me
that i dont stay the same.
that even i..
tattoos and lipstick.
my love.
your friendship.
its like i dont have lines anymore.
like you were never there enough
for me to draw them
and now that i am
i dont know whats right and whats wrong
i dont know how much is too much
and what isnt.
isnt enough.
i know you so well.
and i think thats the only reason
that i am okay.
i never thought that i would be.
but maybe its because..
i think i made this decision long ago.
or maybe you did.
and i just reconized it then.
i think that must be it..
i just never thought.
you know. i didnt.
and maybe i should have
and maybe thats my problem now
i didnt think
and i couldnt have thought then anyway
i needed you too much
i just need you too much
youre so much a part of me
that i cant even explain
its like youre inside me
and although you know how
you never fuck with my head.
and i dont understand
i just dont
i dont understand how one day its this
and one day its that
but maybe one day..
it will be...just us.
although people wont change.
the world wont change.
if i could.
i would change it all for you.
i would suffer all the pain
just so you could be okay.
but that wont happen.
nothing ever happens.
and i have no control.
nothing i can do.
you are the love of my life.
youre the one i was supposed to be with..
and now.
thats being questioned.
and you were always there.
the only stationary thing.
in my fuckign crazy life.
and now
now what
you know
why is now always so bad.
why is now never better than then.
i dont understand.
i just dont.
and im okay.
and i dont understand that.
and its scary to think.
that after loosing the most important thing in my life.
im okay.
im okay with that.
maybe its because i still have hope.
i mean..
you cant just turn that off.
but actually..
you know. you. you could.
you have so much control over me.
even though you dont know it.
i guess with everything.
ive finally realized.
what i wish i never had to.
that i really am all alone here.
that there is nothing
and no one
you know..
i thought.
you would hold my hand forever.
and now maybe.
i realized.
i have realized.
that you let go.
long ago.
and now its off.
and i dont know if itll ever be on again.
and now.
i dont know if i even want it to be.
and its scary.
im scared.
im scared of myself.
im scared of you.
im scared of it all.
and i hate the world.
and you were the only beautiful thing.
and you still are beautiful to me.
you always will be.
but now
now things are different.
no matter whos choice it was.
you werent on the back burner.
i didnt like you saying that.
it was about that at all
you were always first.
first for me.
even if i was good.
even when i said no.
i always wanted to.
you brought that out in me.
and now i dont want to.
now i just dont.
and i dont know why
i dont know what changed
and some may think that its for the better.
but im doubting that.
its like a line
a wall
was brought up
so quickly
but then again it really wasnt.
was it.
i just dont know.
and i always did before.

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