Ode to a psycho!HA!
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2001-11-30 21:54:46 (UTC)

Childhood eating disorders, and other trivial information...

You know when you're little, and you're riding in the car and
all of a sudden you get really dizzy and nausiated?? Imagine
that being you ALL of the time........The funny thing is I
didn't even know what was wrong with me.........I guess it
started when I was in second or third grade.......we were
going on a car trip, and we weren't even out of the city, and
I felt carsick, I asked my dad to pull over, he did and I
stepped ou of the car, and walked away from it a little and
threw up........I got back in the car and thought nothing of
it. No one was mad at me for getting sick, I didn't get sick
the rest of the trip either, but now when I think back that
must have been when it started. When we got back everytime
we'd have to leave the house I'd get nauseous, and throw up.
Every single time......My parents were sympathetic at first,
but as it continued they became less patient..... No matter
where we went be it the gas station, or all the way to orange
park, I would throw up. Then it got worse I would go into
restaurants and always have to leave the table shortly after
getting our food to go throw it up.....This continued a good
year or so, i was very thin. VERY THIN. I didn't know why it
happened it just did. My mother would get pissed and say I
did it as an excuse to stay in the house, and not go places..
I remember one specific time my cousin Bonnie was in town,
and we were going to St. Augistine I wanted to go a lot. And
I remember my mother looking at me in the face and saying
that if I threw up before we left, or in St. Augistine I
wouldn't be allowed to leave the house again.... "You WILL be
good, you WILL behave, you WILL smile and you WILL be
courteous, and grateful, and if you plan on throwing up and
ruining your cousins time in Jacksonville then you might as
well stay home. You'll be nothing but a burden, and no one
likes a whiny comlaining little brat........." Before we left
I said I had to go to the bathroom real quick, my mother shot
me a glance. God I remember that so clearly, GOD it's so
clear....I went into the bathroom, cried and threw up, i lied
on the bathroom floor for a moment, then stood up pulled
myself together and went out to the car....I also threw up at
my friend Lindsays birthday party, I felt like such an
idiot...I don't remember exactly what happened, I blocked
most of it out of my mind, But I think I ended up going
home....I left her house a number of times actually....I
began taking Rolaids to try to stop the nausea.....They
miraculuosly worked. I stopped throwing up almost
completely....that was in probably fourth or fifth grade.I
began gaining weight and by sixth grade I was a size 0. To
tell you how thin I was. Now I'm pretty normal sized I'm in
thenth grade and a size 6. But I still get nauseous and it's
been getting worse lately. I went on the first date i'd been
on in almost 9 months with Regnier, and I felt horrible, We
walked to Al's pizza from his house and back, a total of
twelve miles. between leaving his house and returning to his
house I mabey took 8 rolaids and i ordered one slice of pizza
and barely ate half. I felt so sneaky, I think he saw me take
one out of my pocket and slip it into my mouth. I was very
quiet when we ate. I was pretty much concentrating on not
passing out. I felt horrible. I have to carry around meds
wherever I go........I feel like some kind of drug addict, I
hate it I HATE IT! I get dizzy walking down the hallway,i
have balance problems that people tease me about. I feel
constantly weighted down. I shake..........I shake anyway,
but it gets REALLY BAD sometimes, and I have trouble thinking
straight.I also get really depressed........unbelievably
depressed. I take other meds......some pain meds and tylenol.
I get really tired alot.....and.........occasionally black
out. I'll be sitting on my bed one moment and the next thing
I know I'm in the middle of the floor violently rocking back
and forth.........something is wrong with me...........
something is very wrong, and I can't talk to anyone about it,
or say anything. I hear abigail make comments about being
anorexic a while back, at least she can talk about it. if I
ever said to my parents i have a twisted case of bulemia they
would say I was over reacting, or even lying, somekind of
stunt for attention.........I DON'T WANT ANY ATTENTION!!!!!!
ABOUT JUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!MY GOD!!!!!!!!! gggggggrrrrrrrr......
...............ah hate yoo, yur a bahstehd!!!!!!!!!