My souls Thoughts
2001-11-30 21:39:22 (UTC)

The Beginning to what feels like the end......

It all started 2 days ago when i happened to find out
something that I don't think was ready to be brought up to
me. I found out that my wife is planning a trip to TX
without me and it hurts me very deeply. I have so much
anger and pain inside that I am beside myself right now. To
top it all off this couldn't have come at a worse time than
now.....now right before Christmas. The holidays are tough
on me not having my baby brother here to share them with
anymore. Christmas was his favorite time of the year.
Though it has been 5 years since his death, it still seems
like just yesterday for me. His loss has made so many
changes in my life in fact the way i view life in general.
I take everything seriously now I am probably entirely too
emotional but I feel I have to be. It's the only thing I
know now. I can't any longer put things on the back burner
that need to be said good or bad. This, I have yet to
figure out weather or not it is a downfall of mine or
something that is good, normal, how it should be? My wife
doesn't seem to understand where I come from where these
feelings I get from time to time come from. I can't even
find a way to better help myself to understand me
sometimes. Anyway, I'm just not getting anywhere with this
issue of "The Trip" that my wife wants to take. I want to
trust her to do this and not do anything to jepordize our
family unit and everything we have fought so hard for but I
just can't seem to find a way to get to the trust that I
know I need to have in her. What is a marriage if you can't
trust your spouse to go home for a few days without you
right? zzzzzzzzi'm trying really hard to find a way I am.
Inside my head sounds like that pre-school book, "The
Little Engine That Could". I keep repeating that phrase
inside my head, "I think I can, I think I can"! Then there
is the angry voice that drowns it out that says," There is
no compromising this, It's wrong for her to go without
you . It's wrong for her to have a vacation and not
you"! "Why should you have to stay home with the kids while
she has a great time?" I just don't know what to do with
this I just know that my heart is breaking and my soul
feels lost. Every since I found out about this it has just
been one fight after the other. I have been crying so much.
Everything since that night I found out about this
Everything she has said has been very hurtful and stings
like a fearce winters wind on your face .....the kind that
takes your breath away. I know I should try and turn that
cold cruel winter wind of words into a warm inviting spring
breeze that somehow reassures you of what the days warmth
has to offer. The cold air just continues to linger between
us right now and I know she isn't going to be the one to
bring in the warmth so I have to muster up the courage to
find my spring in the cold winter of this problem. Well,
I'll enter more later going to go out tonight with some
friends and try to find some fun.