sassysag1219

Feeling better....

Things seem a bit better, but not completely I know.
Yesterday I felt so miserable. Cried all day. Had to get
away to let it all out. Going to the mall didn't help much
either. I think it even made me more depressed,
but....leave it to D! He shortly arrived home after I had
gotten back, I thought we were going to go at it again.(We
didn't exactly greet each other with open arms) Feeling
miserable, I tried to slip by him without trying to have
contact with him but as I tried, there was D opening his
arms to me, giving me that " its going to be ok
hug"....When he did that, what relief I felt. He makes me
feel like a little girl in her Daddys arms when he does
that. I feel so loved and secure. Its the best feeling. But
maybe I feel that way because I know I hurt him.
Last night I started thinking, and I finally know what D
was talking about...(what he had to get off his chest
yesterday)...It all came back to me. I dont know exactly
what I said the night we got into that huge arguement, but
I think I know why I brought the things I did up.... He
said that I brought up Gicels name and her boytoy, and lil
D bday party, and Marcia....I hadnt the slight clue what he
was talking about when he mentioned this, but last night it
clicked.
Now that I had time to sort out my thoughts it all makes
sense, but I dont think I can ever tell D.....
The night we got into that fight, it started with some
pictures I saw in D's organizer, (they were of Gicel and
D), and they weren't "smile for the camera" type of
pictures, they were very explicit pics....Anyway, when I
saw those pics I was enraged. Why would he have them, How
could he???
At that moment all I thought was, "How could he have these
pictures of her, she is so nasty". Nasty in the sense,
that she has no class. And this is how it all came back to
me...
I remembered that night at lil D bday party. We had gotten
pretty drunk, but what I remembered most was her going on
and on about how well-endowed her boyfriend was. She ranted
so much, you figured thats all the poor guy had to offer.
Not one word was said about him being smart, or fun, or
caring ....nothing like that. It was all about his package.
All I could think to myself is "why is she telling me
this"...was it to make me think she had it good or
something...i don't know. It only made me think that she
was an even bigger ho than I imagined. And boy when she
started talking and didnt stop, all the insecurities that I
felt about her disappeared....(the way she talked, the way
she carried herself, all those nasty tatoos, no class I
tell you...she's the type you take to Mo-mo's and not to
Mama's)
I also remembered that one time when I was talking to D's
sister, Gicel had mentioned this thing about her boyfriends package
to her too. Imagine that...his own sister was informed...Why I ask?
Dont know. It was a time Marcia went to pick up lil D...from the time
she got out of her car, and told lil D to get into the car, they
talked a minute more or so, but in that time, Gicel managed
to tell Marcia that her boyfriend is the best shes ever
had, and that he was well-endowed.... Again why share
this with anyone???? Hmmm! Marcia had gone back to the car,
and thought to her self "she is so nasty"! If I see that,
his sister sees that, why cant he????? ...
This leads me to the fight we had. I think in an
irrational, drunk way I was trying to find out "How could
he have these pics of her?" ... She is dirty laundry...why
would you want that. He didnt know the stuff that she said,
all i was trying to do was point out how trashy she was,
and low-class she is. But it all came out wrong. And to
have found these pictures of them.... didnt he know what
she was like. I wanted him to say Im sorry I'll throw them
away.....shes so nasty babe, but nothing was said, it made
things worse. I felt like he wanted to have these pictures,
he wanted this reminder of how good she was or
something....I dont know... he has a totally different
image of her than I do and thats why I always bring her
up. I always felt I was enough for him, but for some reason
he kept these pics instead of trashing them....Maybe he
wanted to have a reminder, maybe he liked what he
saw....??? who knows, thats just my fucked up thinking
again....but at least now I know what he was talking about,
and why I brought that up. In his eyes she will always
be "the mother of his son", and can do no wrong....I can
never convince him otherwise....Maybe thats why I hate her.
Shes done nothing wrong in his eyes, and Ive done quite the
opposite....!!!