writings on the wall
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2001-11-30 15:39:49 (UTC)

what's my problem?

Sometimes I think the problem with me is that I always
try to please people. Even if it means doing something that
I don't like to do...if it makes someone happy, I'll do it.
I think I am the type of person who has difficulty saying
no to others and people around me who realize that may use
me at their expense.

I think Keane is a good example of that type of
person. Okay, so maybe I don't hate phone sex that much but
then again sometimes I just wish I had the willpower to say
no to him. Before I go online, I will be telling myself no
sex conversations with him but i end up doing the same
thing each and every time. Each time I ended up saying yes
because I want to please him. God, why don't I have the
courage to say no to him?

Last night, the same thing happened...he asked if he
could call me and I said no so he went and watch porn
instead. Then later in the night, he asked again and at
first when I said no, he said that he can masturbate
without me in his own bed and then I just gave in. We had
phone sex as usual and after that, we kinda talked...

I was like pleading him to fuck me and he said that he
can't bring himself to do it with a total stranger. He told
me that even if he doesn't have a girlfriend, he won't have
any one-night-stands. Again, I felt used...why did I pick
up the phone? After hearing that, I told him that I wanted
to go to bed and he said " Why? I am not going to bed yet".
Sometimes guys can be so selfish, always putting themselves
first in everything they do. Which reminds me of my ex who
refused to cuddle me after we had sex...

Why is it that every little thing reminds me of
Stanley? I hate myself for not being able to forget him and
the fact that I have to pretend that I am okay when I am
around my friends. I am so sick of this life and the people
around me. I just need someone to talk to, someone I can
trust...where the hell is this person???