The Shadow of Myself
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2001-11-30 07:16:46 (UTC)

it's all so real...

I have decided something about how I deal with things.
Actually 2 somethings about completely different areas of
my life. The first thing is that I use humor as a way out
of tough or awkward situations. Like things that I don't
know how to deal with I'll find some way to bring a joke
into it. I just feel more comfortable laughing about
something than getting serious sometimes. I suppose that
deep down it's just my way of protecting myself from
letting someone see me really vulnerable. I'm also
guessing that's not really a good thing.. but how am I just
supposed to change that?

Alright, the other thing would be that I'm fickle. I
change my mind soooo easily. I would have to say that my
most 'fickle' area would have to be boys. Here is the
thing.. I have this problem with the out of sight out of
mind thing. So like.. if there is a guy I'm interested in
him and I'm talking to him... things couldn't be better..
he would have to be number one on the list. But then it's
like as soon as I'm not talking to them, or they've done
something that kinda aggrivates me then I am like well look
at this other guy who is really nice. So what is that
about? That is a bunch of crap. I think I do that for a
number of reasons. One being that I'm just afraid to get
hurt so I feel like I need to move around a lot. Plus, I
think I just want to make sure I find someone who is up to
my standards. Which I think can actually be tough.

Soo.. some other things. Life is becoming more real to
me. In a way that is really awesome but in another way
it's really scary. I'm having to deal with new things and
new situations that I've never had to even think about
before. I'm understanding myself and learning new things
that I would like to change/improve upon. I think what I
have the most problems with right now is how I deal with
guys. I mean... I'm soo much better than I used to be.
But at the same time I'm not where I want to be at all. It
just really bothers me when people joke around with me
about how I'm a huge flirt and everything. I just don't
like that anymore. I don't feel like I need to get a guys
attention by hanging on him. I would just like to get to
know him. I want to find out about the person that he
really is and I want to learn things about him that no one
else knows. I want to fall in love. I've never had a
relationship that was what I wanted. They were all
really... just not good.. mostly physical I guess. That
gets old really fast when that's all you've got. So
whenever the newness wore off.. I was like.. alright... see
ya around. B/c it's like... that was all we had.. and I
just wanted something more. I was just totally going about
it the wrong way. So now I know what I want... and I know
somewhat of how to get it. I just wish that I have that
one guy who never ceases to amaze me. Who I could talk to
for hours and hours about nothing. Someone who knows who I
am.. and understands where I'm coming from. Someone who
knows how imperfect I am.. but still thinks I'm the most
perfect girl for him in the world. Someone who knows
things about me that I've never told anyone.. and still
feels the same about me. Someone who trusts me with his
deepest thoughts and emotions. Someone that I could sit
right beside.. look straight at.. and say nothing.. but
still be completely understood. Someone I can laugh with,
and someone I can cry on. Someone that will give me a hug
just b/c I look like I need one. Someone who wants to love

Life is getting more real...


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