the one who got away

lost somewhere inside of me
2001-11-30 05:49:00 (UTC)

nonsense to nothingness ....oh what a world it could be

i dont know where to begin
i dont even know that i want to write my thoughts down
tonight
well not in here anyways
i constantly tell other people not to worry with what other
people think
well you know that saying "practice what you preach" i wish
i could i really do
but i was the strongest person for myself today that i have
ever been....i knew what i wanted and i knew that it would
be bad so i stopped myself
it had nothing to do with sexual stuff like i am always
worried about
it was just a decision i had made which was spur of the
moment but it was definitley the right thing for me right
now
and i know you all are completely confused as to what im
talking about but time will tell

on a completely different side of my brain---
i really dont want to do this play this weekend i mean part
of me does b/c i dont want to let anyone down but the other
part is like no your done you have done all you can do and
i dont even want to look at the script,
so i can learn my lines for tomorrow night.....
i mean i am a good actress... i know what im doing
and my heart was in it for the first 4 months that i have
been with R.I. but my heart is no longer there
i have fun with it but i dont want to do it anymore right
now.....i want to be done with everything
i would actually love to go away for a month not tell
anyone where i was just leave

i want to be out of this house....i want out of these
stupid petty arguments that im involved in....i want to be
away from everything
i almost wish that i was tieing my stomach in knots again
so i would have an excuse for everyone to back off
for mom and dad to just mellow out
i would love to be on a beach right now
gulf shores sounds fantabulous
to walk down the shoreline watching the dolphins of a
morning right as the sun rises
to sit in a hot tub underneath the clearest sky at night
when the stars are so bright you could see by them
to just stare into the nothingness of the oceans skyline as
the sun fades
leave my troubles behind and hope that once i came back
they were gone
that would be amazing

but then something strikes me and im back to reality which
tells me that in the morning ill be lying in my bed not on
the beach and ill have to get up and drive to school and
fight for a parking spot just to go to class for an hour
and then leave
afterwards ill stress myself out and become extremely
frustrated with the fact that i wont and cant learn the
dialog of a play in which tonight the night before i
carried my script on stage and read the lines in front of
an audience no less
that officially killed me

well before i part to go and close my eyes for the night
and dream the dreams that dreamers dream
ill leave you with one thought

my peace i leave with you
my peace i give to you
i do not give to you as the world gives
do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid

love the everyone
good night


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