2001-11-30 04:50:57 (UTC)


i should not be on here right now.
but i am.
i feel like im going to combust if i dont write.
its not good when i have a huge speech to give.
but i need this

so today was a bad day.
seems like i have been having a lot of them recently.
i dont know why it was so bad either.
but it was.
i was.
i was sad all day.
i was sad last night.
i have been sad a lot.
and there really isnt anything that can change it.
i cant.
people cant.
nothing can.
and that sorta sucks.
for me.
im feeling very unproductive.
and its fucking with me.

she keeps saying that she wishes things were the way they
were before...
and i dont know.
i dont know what to think or do about that.
and sometimes i debate with myself on whether or not she
cares about me.
and i know that she does.
so i think its stupid.
but then again...its really not.
i dont know.
i just dont know.
i just want everything to be okay.
i want me to be okay.
i want everyone to be okay.
but it seems like i have NO control over anything anymore.
like its all up to other people.
like other people have so much control over me.
my life.
my mood.
and i hate it
so much
sometimes i think she doesnt realize that the little things
that she does or doesnt do is what hurts me.
i have made a decision.
and i am sticking to it.
so that thing, will no longer be an issue with us.
because i needed to.
she needed me to.
and i did.
whatever sense that is supposed to make.
shes amazing.
and i love her.
i love her so much.
so very much.
and i hope...
i hope she knows that.
at least, a little bit.
because it is so very true.
and i have tried and i am trying so hard
for everything to be okay
and i dont even know why its not.
little things.
little things drive me crazy
the little things that she doesnt understand
the little things that i know she never will understand.
and i dont know what to do about them.
if i mention it
i feel like im just instigating an arguement.
an arguement that i know i will never win.
because she doesnt understand me.
and so i try to not say anything.
but it affects me.
and i know its obvious.
but i also know
that i will not forgive and not forget but put it behind me.
and just understand the fact that
she doesnt think like i do.
about a lot of things.
and she is not a "shitty girlfriend" because of that.
she is just different.
and i am willing to accept that.
and just work at understanding.
but sometimes i dont think she is.
when i went away with her family.
spending that long weekend with her.
pretty much constantly.
i really saw how she reacted to certain issues.
and i think that it helped me.
a lot actaully.
and since that weekend i think that things have been better
or maybe i have just been better at dealing with things.
and you know
i think that is whats important.
sometimes i feel like she doesnt know me at all.
and i think that because i dont talk.
i dont.
its not a good thing.
and i need to work on it.
i just hate upseting her.
and i feel like everytime i try to talk...
or explain. or anything.
that its just another arguement in the midst.
and i dont want that.
i dont want that at all.
i know that she has been trying recently.
and i really appreciate it.
so much.
it really means a great deal to me...
i know that things arent always going to be "perfect".
and sometimes it may seem like they are more imperfect than
they are EVER perfect.
but for some reason.
im still here.
and i think that really says a lot.
and us.
and about me. about her.
there is something different about her...
i have said that from the beginning and i still see it
and everyday i love her.
and everyday i miss her.
and everyday i try so much.
for a reason that i dont even have.
maybe thats what love is all about..
but i really think its something more than that.
i really do.
i am going to try to talk more with her.
about how i feel.
and not about stupid shit that happens in my day or her day
and see how that goes..
we have something good.
you know.
and im not letting go of it.
and im working at making things better.
and i hope that she will too.
i know shes trying.
and i dont understand how it cant be okay.
if we both want something so much.
i love her.
i love her more than im capable of understanding.

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