Last night when R. came over to get me, I just couldn't hold
it in any longer and cried most of the way to his house. I
don't know, I just feel so uninhibited when I'm with him,
and I know I can tell him anything, so I just let go once
I'm in his company. It's a good feeling just to break down
and cry, and let all the sadness and frustration out at
once. He said something though that really scared me,
especially considering what I had written that day in this
journal. R. looked me right in the eye and told me, "I'm an
angel". When he said that I burst into uncontrollable sobs,
because I knew that if that was true, he would soon be gone,
like all the rest. I think he meant it to be something
comforting, like he was my guardian angel or something, but
it made me immediately think that if it were true, that he
was really an angel, we wouldn't be together much longer.
That thought is just too much to bear thinking about right
now, with all I have on my mind.
I ended up calming down, and R. held me and smoothed my
hair, and whispered that everything was going to be okay.
When I woke up in the morning I looked horrible, like I
always do when I cry the night before, with my eyes all
puffy and red, but I felt much, much better. I had a good
day today too, which I think testifies to the power of a
good cry to release all that you have pent up inside.
I also had dinner with A. tonight, my one friend here on
campus, and I realized how much I miss having someone other
than R. to talk to. Once I get back on my feet again and
get out of this depressive funk, I have got to make at least
one more friend. I can't always rely on only one person
when I need to talk to someone.
R. and I go home (well, to Minnesota) in less than a
month... I'm getting nervous already, in a way it'll be good
to be home for a bit, but in so many ways I know that it'll
just be one big replay of the nightmare that was my life
there. I'm so glad R. is coming with me, I don't know what
I'd do without him.
PS. To the person who sent me the note, I do not believe in
God for many reasons, which I'm sure I will elaborate on at
a later date. But I refuse to read the Bible, I think it's
a load of crap (or at the best a very nice story), and I
don't know why, but I believe in angels and don't think it's
a contradiction that I believe in one and not the other.