sunshinegirlm1rw

hell, it's my life... blah!
2001-11-30 04:23:27 (UTC)

Background on my life and hardships

Well, since this is my frist entry, let me give you some
background information. I am a 16 year old female that
lives just outside of Detroit Michigan. I go to high school
on a regular basis, and have a good gradepoint. My life is
music. I have played piano for 8 years, and I have been
singing in Oakland Singers Encore ( an honors choir) for 8
years also. I am an only child, but I have a half sister,
Jenny who is 29, from my dad's previous marriage. Both of
my parents were married to someone else before they were
married to each other. My dad got divorced and my mom's
husband died in a car accident. Well, I guess my problems
all started in 3rd grade, when my parents got divorced. I
still to this day do not know if it was my dad's alcholism
or if it was something else (bigger). Well, that set my
life into a new oblivion. I moved into a condominium with
just my mom. My dad moved 20 minutes away, and promised he
could never bear to be any farther from me. When all this
was happening, I didn't think the divorce was affecting me,
but now as I look back, there are a lot of twists that
ended up on me. I have HUGE emotional problems now. Well,
I'll get to that later. About 5th grade, my dad started
dating Jean. What a bitch. She was about 15 years younger
than my dad, and they were living together. My mom used to
cry when my dad would take me over to his house for the
night which was every Thursday. Eventually, my dad realized
that Jean was a psycho, and they broke up. In 4th grade is
when I really started persuing music to get away from my
problems at home. I was recommended to join a group called
Oakland Singers. I went to an audition, and got in! This
place has boosted my self esteem and I have made some great
best friends from this choir. I love it. Well, while I was
enjoying OS, big things were going on. About 7th grade, my
dad lost his job. He had worked with the company for 27
years, and they fired him. About a year later, my dad moved
up to Pinconning Michigan, 2 hours away from me. I was
crushed that he lied to me. He told me he could never be
too far away from me. I only saw him for Christmas and
Thanksgiving, and an occasional outing to come down for
work or to take me up to our cabin in Gaylord for a week.
He moved to Pinconning to work with his brother in putting
up signs. They went into business together, and I got lost
in his thoughts. He wouldn't call for weeks, and it hurt me
( I am by far my father's daughter). My dad had left me,
and there was nothing I could do about it. My mom became
very strict with me and my grades, and I was grounded for
not being good at math constantly. I stuggled with friend
problems, and getting along with my mother. I went to
church every Sunday and Wed. and that helped me meet new
people too. Well, little can I say, I slowly regained all
the strength I had lost over the past 5 years, and I was
back to myself again by the end of 8th grade. Well, high
school came around and it was a slap across the face. All
the things I thought I knew, were turned upside down. My
life became a frantic, stressful crazy dream. Everyone had
goals and expectations for me, but me. I was trying to do
what everyone else wanted, that I lost sight of what I
really wanted. Again, I struggled with a few battles with
friendships, but overall it worked out. Now, 10th grade was
one of my worst years. The first part of my year was fine.
The second half of my sophomore year hit me hard. My most
favorite grandma in the whole world didn't know who I was,
she was diagnosed with alheizmers. And my mom was having a
hard time with that. Along with this, one of my best
friends was telling me that we weren't going to be friends
anymore. Suddenly, my half sister, Jenny popped back into
my life. She was a blessing. She helped me through a lot of
this stuff. But amongst all of this, I was having the
hardest time not being able to see my dad. his phone calls
were far and long, and his visits were getting to be few
and far between. I would cry almost every night because I
missed him so. I'm not quite sure, but something threw me
over the edge, and about June of my sophomore year, I
started to slip into depression. I had seen the signs in a
close friend of mine, after he told me he was going to
commit suicide, and I soon came to realize I was showing
signs of depression too. It was scary, I didn't know what
to do about it. I couldn't tell anybody because they might
have sent me away somewhere, or labeled me as insane. I
didn't know, so I just kept sinking deeper and deeper until
finally the summer ended and things started to kick back up
and I saw things were better than I thought they really
were. Coming back as a junior now was the best thing for
me. I knew I was an upperclassman, and that meant somthing,
at least a little something. I had made the top singing
group in my choir, and I was feeling good about myself. Well,
needless to say, that did not last very long. I've become more and
more hard on myself as the days progress. I don't like to look in the
mirror because the girl I see is not what I want. I do not want to
talk to people because the person they see is fake. My life is one
big scam. Do I even know who I am? Does anybody. The thing that is
making this year so hard is that I do not have one person to talk to
about anything and everything. NOBODY! I think this is part of the
reason I'm doing this is to let everything out, and then if somebody
really wants to know, they can read this. Well, I guess that's about
all the information you really need to know, if there's anything
else, I'll inform you later. goodnight




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