angryanymore

angryanymore
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2001-11-30 02:48:53 (UTC)

veuve cliquot

well... today i made plans to stay at heather cupit's
tomorrow nite. ... ... the frosty bottle of whatever is
calling to me from her freezer... i hear it now, "come
on... drink... i'll numb you." ... and how sweet and
comforting that is, you'll never know.

... today in spanish... mr. sanders tried to bond with me
again... after the test he sat a book of short stories on
my desk... and pointed out one of love lost that he thought
i should read... ... now don't get me wrong, this guy is
nice... but there's something about him that's creepy.
maybe its me... i mean... everything is great or should be
about his class... the expresso smell... the renoir
paintings... ... yada yada... but... somethings off about
him... and i'm not sure what. i am not freaking out. i'm
being totally cool about this... i swear. so don't think
i'm one of those chicks who is paranoid about the smallest
tads of affection... ... im definitely not. ... i sense
something strange though.

kay... well gabe still hasn't called... and that
disheartens me to an unhealthy.. but... as usual... there's
always another guy i'm thinking about. ........ joey
williams... wow... talk about an all around great guy....
who obviously has no interest in me at all... why? ...
maybe because he's too smart... close to the top of his
class, even... but... when i say smart i mean... maybe too
smart to get caught up in the rantings of neeley's
world... ... let me describe this boy... he's not sexy...
he's completely adorable.. which in its own way, i suppose,
has the possibility of evolving into sexy. who
knows. ... ... but anyhow... he seems to have this
desire... to explore the coffee shops of america... and in
all honesty... i wouldn't mind being his excort. he's
really a sweet boy... but... i wonder if that's all he
is... i want to scratch beneath the surface just a
tad... ... maybe a great friendship could come out of the
scratching if nothing else. ....................

back to gabe though... ... i haven't talked to him except
on the net a few days ago... and it was strange... i didn't
know what to say... yet, that kiss is sticking with me.
god... i wonder... how much of this am i doing to myself...
and how much of it has to do with the hooks he's sunk into
me... and why in the world... wouldn't he want to jump into
perfection... if theres no way in a thousand years i'd
screw it up... ok... there's always the chance... but i'm
telling you right now... this isn't just a lust thing.... i
really enjoy his friendship and his words and his views...
and quite frankly... i miss it. maybe more than i should.

how does a girl become ellusive... and mysterious... when
she's this deep in shit? ..................i am blunt... i
am straight forward... and i am definitely a lady...
(thanks to my southern roots and mothers traits...)... ...
yet... that's not what he wants... i don't guess... WHAT
DOES HE WANT?!

i've goofed off all week long. i haven't done a stitch of
homework or studying... i feel totally drained... all week
long i've slept my butt off... i can't seem to wake up or
get with the program. must be the rain... ... i checked my
blood sugar... and it has been a little low... but nothing
compared to how it is usually... so i can figure out what
it is...

i've been thinking about the past alot lately...

i remember the last time i saw _______. one nite_______
came into the bathroom after the break up with kolby. i was
throwing up... i always was back in those days. he washed
my face off and pulled back my curls that were all stuck to
my head... with sweat and probably some throw up.... and
all he said... was... ..."its time to let him go, baby."
the tears started bursting out from within that deep dark
place i had locked them up in. i howled and wrapped myself
up in his arms... ... ... later on that nite... i woke up
in a random bed... and he was asleep across the room
sitting with his back against the bathroom door.

.......god...

and here i am ... rewinding ... pausing... fucking myself up again.


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