The Real Deal

2001-11-30 02:10:57 (UTC)


Well... none of my friends know this journal... this is
where I can just express how I feel... I wonder if
HTML works here...
let's see...
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

Alrighty... anyways... just going to babble about stuff
about my past...


I feel reallie lost... I dunno... There's this guy who I
used to be with and he's my first love... I loved this guy
and you know what... I still do! Always have... always
will... We had been together for almost a year... we were
the BEST couple... everyone envied our relationship... we
never fought *onlee once or twice... nothing major* and we
went thru a lot... I remember all the good times we
shared... we talked about the future... living together...
getting married... having and everything... I remember one
time at the beach we both laid in the sand and stared at
the stars and we were joking about the planes being movie
stars. I remember him telling me to make a wish on the
star... but I didn't need to wish for anything... it
already came true... I had him... and that's all I
needed... and all I wanted... and I remember before I left,
to Thailand for ONE MONTH, he had set up a picnic for me.
He brought Japanese food (which I loved!!!) and peaches and
cream... it was an inside joke... nothing to do with sex!!!
haha... but I remember it was the most funnest day I had...
we had a cream fight and i remember us just having a
incredible day! haha... I loved him with all my heart and
was willing to do anything for him. He completed my day and
night... :) He just made sense to me... to me... it's like
Jerry McGuirre... this guy completed me. :)

I remember when we first talked about marriage... :) We had
gotten each other the promise rings and he had told me, "I
hope to give u a different ring in the future." We talked
about the names of our future kids and I pictured all of
this in my head... I still remember the name of what the
boys will be named, "Jet and Nathdaniel" and for the girls
it would be "Aerith and Serenity". :) Those were good
memories... :)

Him and I were perfect... it was like nothing could go
wrong... Sure there were scary times in the relationship...
but we were able to get thru it. :)

We got together and then he broke up with me after a week
of us being together... and I wasn't reallie upset...
because we were onlee together for a week... but it was
weird... we would see each other like every weekend for
some odd reason... and we went to Six Flags and that's when
we did couple stuff, when we we weren't together... and
then a week later... I told him that I still have feelings
for him and I need closure to know if he had feelings for
me and he told me No... and so I was alright about it. Then
the next day he asked me back and told me he lied. So I
said yes to him, because I liked him a lot... but during
the time we broke up... I started to get to know this other
guy... but me and the other guy were nothing... just
talking... so yeah... While I was with my bf I had feelings
for the other guy and so I decided to tell my bf and he was
upset for awhile and he then realized he loved me and told
me... but I didn't say it back because I didn't know for
sure. Until later on I realized I loved him. The other guy
was OUTTA there!!! So we had a blissful relationship. :)
Then a convention came up for me and I met a nice guy
there... I just danced with him and thought he was
interesting, but told the guy I had a boyfriend... but
thought... hmm... he's cute... oh well... and I told my bf
and he was upset again, but I assured him that the other
guy was just a friend... I just danced... I didn't do
anything... I didn't cheat or go out with him or any of
that. Him and I reconciled... I never wanted a break or a
break up and neither did he. I loved him too much to lose
him. So we continued our wonderful relationship and I loved
this guy soooooooo much! I don't remember ever having a sad
day when I was with him.

Then the most stupidiest thing happened...
I went to Thailand during the summer and we kept in contact
often and I called him once a week and emailed him
everyday... As a gift before I left... I made a little MISS
U gift... i pre-wrote a letter everyday that I was away
from him... and I wore our promise rings everyday... and at
a fashion studio, I saw a Wedding Dress and took pictures
in it because it made me think of him. I was like, so this
is how it is going to feel like... I didn't go out with any
guy or anyone except family.
When I returned home and didn't receive a call from him
yet... so I called him... and he didn't reallie seem
excited when I talked to him... then people started calling
me and asking me if everything was alright. If I was
alright? I was like why would I be not alright? And then I
heard the worst news... He went out with another girl
without telling me. I was devasted... when my friends
called me and told me that... I dunno... I heard something
crack... and so I was indenial that he did that... I
mean... it shouldn't mean anything... he wouldn't do that
to me... and so I called him and asked him about it and he
told oh! that! She's just a friend. We didn't do anything.
I wanted to believe him, but why didn't he tell me??? I was
so scared... I didn't wanna believe any of it. I just broke
down and overreacted... Then he told me that I was paranoid
and don't trust him... but how could I not trust him if he
didn't tell me about going out with her? I heard she had a
livejournal and so I went to her Livejournal and read about
their "date"... they didn't hold hands and she took him to
a movie and dinner... she reallie liked him... and the way
she described their "date" it seemed like he liked her...
and I was chatting with close friends of his and they said
that he said, "'Name' cheated on u... u must be pissed..."
and they said that he said that "'Girl' and me clicked! I
have so much in common with her! Much more that (my name)."
Then him and I had a long convo on the phone and he decided
that he needed a break. I was like NOOOOO... No! I asked
him what were the rules of the break? He said dating is
alright and kissing is a no no... I didn't want a break...
I didn't wanna go out with any other guy except him... The
break lasted for one day and I told him no! no more break!
I love u and wanna be with u! He then started saying he
needs the break and said some sad things... and so I knew
that if I didn't break up with him... he'd break up with
me... so I broke up with him... and I started BRAWLING! I
soooo didn't wanna do it... but the things he said... just
hurt... and so I cried and then thought... because of
friends and myself... we'll get back together when he has

Then the worst news came... a week after we broke up... the
girl and him started dating... officially dating... and I
just broke down... it was like... hmm... how do I put
this... my heart being stepped on and cracking as more
pressure was placed upon it. I knew I had to get outta
here... I ran outside and cried and screamed... I was
reallie upset as u could tell... then I also had someone
tell me that he said, "Why did I waste my time with (my
name) when 'Girl' was the one for me?" :(

I went on being depressed for a few weeks and then I tried
to move on myself... u know... somewhat... rebound... and I
got to know this guy and he was reallie sweet and I thought
I liked him a lot... because he's sooo opposite to him. So
I went out on dates with him and got to know him better...
but in the end... my heart wasn't reallie in the
relationship... he was too busy and I was too busy... it
didn't work out...

I just didn't have my heart set for anyone... I wanted to
see if there was another chance for me and him... to see if
there was closure... I needed that... and so I asked him...
do u still have ANY feelings for me? He told me... no...
and so I just sunk back and tried moving on... We still
remained friends and I am a reallie caring person... I
worry about all my friends and one day he looked reallie
depressed... and so I asked if he was alright and tried to
console him... and he said he felt better... which is

I was at a meeting for my job and I met a reallie sweet
guy... :) The Sweet Guy and I work together... and he is
reallie... I dunno... considerate... and he likes me and
seems to always show me that he respects me. But I didn't
know all this yet...

But then I found out that... 'He' still had feelings for
me... I was totally shocked to hear that and somewhat
rejoiceful... but yet... hurt still... he stopped seeing
the girl because my friend said he quote and quote said "No
one could replace (my name)" Very different from the
comment he said earlier... (he denies that he said that...)
I was going to just go to him and tell him I still loved
him too! But my brain stopped me from doing that and
finally he told me and I told him we need to talk about it.
I had a lot of advice from friends... and a majority of my
friends and his friends told me to tell him no... because
he was easily influenced and he was easily influenced into
dating other girls... and so I said no and wrote him a
reallie somewhat mean letter... I tried to sound nice...
and then he got all mad... and told me he'll change for
me... but I said no...

Then I found out that the sweet guy liked me and we started
dating and we totally hit it off... we had a lot in common
and we are just sooo alike! haha... we went out and it was
fun. He treated me like a princess... each date I felt like
a princess...

Then I thought about him'... I dunno... did I make a
mistake and so I talked to him and told him I would
consider it again... but I need a break... I want to be
able to date around... I dunno? I just didn't wanna lose
him... I don't wanna let go... I can't... So I dunno what
is going on in his mind... he told me he loves me and he
knows what he wants now and that's to be with me... he said
he regrets what he had done... but I still dunno... He
knows I'm dating the Sweet Guy... and said that he's happie
for me... but I dunno... it just makes me think... I can't
let go... but yet... I want to see what's great about Sweet
Guy and yet... I still love him... :| He can change... I

Honestly... I had a dream and the dream was like... I had
to choose one or the other... I choose him...