My Super Terrific Life
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2001-11-30 01:46:05 (UTC)

sudden change

Today has been the epitamy of hell on earth. I am fully
convinced that the sun did not rise today. It has been
cold and rainy for the second day in a row. And just to
make it worse, I found out today that i would not be going
to england this spring afterall. I will have to wait until
august. in the long run it might be best because i know
i'll have a lot more money then. but my parents are
extremely disappointed in me. my mother won't even really
speak to me. i don't know what to do. i am more upset
about letting everyone down than i am about not getting to
go. i just need some time to sort through some things
personally i guess. i'm depressed and not taking any
medication for my add. maybe taking care of those two
problems would help aleviate my stress and i'd stop
vomiting after every meal. but i am getting along with my
roommate fairly well today. and by that i mean i don't
want to beat her with my 'husky hitter' whiffle ball bat.
i am just so overly stressed about school and money and
what everyone thinks of me. my entire family and all of my
friends are going to be very disappointed in me. and to
top it all off, i really let myself down. i just want to
go back to the beginning of the semester and start over. i
want to go back to labor day and make things right. i'd go
to class on a regular basis. i'd do all my homework. i'd
get credit for my incomplete from last semester. i'd get a
job. i'd...start over. But since that is an extreme
impossiblity, all i can do is attempt to survive the
situation i've gotten myself into. but i see where i've
made my mistakes and i can start from here and improve on
them. i will prove to my family that i am not the complete
f**k up that they must be thinking i am. I am going to
take control and get out of this hole i've dug for myself.
I know it will be much easier and less stressful just to go
to class and do the work than to constantly be saddled with
the fear and regret of not doing well. And maybe matt can
go with me to study abroad. i would like that. i love him
so very much. i wish i was just done with school so i can
be with him all the time. and i'm very gald my parents
like him as much as they do. they will be thrilled when we
finally do get married. for the most part, i believe in
karma. i am finally getting something for all the horrible
things i went through when i was younger. and having matty
is worth everything i've ever gone through ten times over.
so for next semester i will be returning home. i will be
living in my father's house and commuting to iupui for
class. i will work hard and show my parents that i can
still be responsible despite all of my mistakes. i am so
pissed off with myself. i just need some motivation and
discipline and i think having to leave school for a
semester is enough to kick my ass into gear. i'm coming
back to UE to graduate, that's for certain. I'll be in
indy for one semester, england for one semester, then back
to evansville to graduate. and no matter what, i can not
give up. i refuse to become no more than greenfield white
trash. i will get out of there. i will amount to more
than what my cousins have done. they are all very
intelligent people who have made very unintelligent
decisions, and i refuse to let that happen to me. I will
finish school here and on time and I will make something of
my life. this is just a delay of game, and i will have to
suffer the penalty. i am 4th and goal more room
for error and penalty.

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